Fresh Eyes

numbered days

2011-08-25T12:33:00.005-05:00

There was the countdown to our wedding day. 6 months became 6 weeks became 6 short days full of friends and family and love.

Then the countdown to moving in with friends, finishing a lease, pinching pennies and working long days to come home, fighting for rest, treasuring time.

Now the final days of this countdown to a looming unknown soon-to-be life. Soon to be starting school (for drew). Soon to be finding work (for me). Soon to be making home in the space so carefully and kindly prepared by new friends.

And the tiresome alreadys.
Already job searching. Already packing. Already tripping over sort-of-packed things. Already stressed about money. Already checking out. Already tired. Already anxious and lonely and curious. Already distracted. Already wondering which will be my last Chicago memory. Already savoring final train rides and views of downtown. Already trying to memorize the faces and sounds of old polish grandmothers on the #56 bus.

In not so many days from today (12 to be exact) will begin the 'so...'s
so...
groceries?
friends?
transit?
job?
church?
so, what time will you be home?
so, have we decided on a cell phone plan yet?
so, how was class?
so, any interviews yet?

My biggest fear? That we won't have answers. That we'll get stuck in some sort of Canadian limbo life, waiting for things to begin. Wishing for another countdown but refusing to begin the 102 week paper chain, begging for the next thing.

I want to be fully present to this time, to these experiences and possibilities. To have more hope in my heart and peace to share. But what if...

what if Drew and I fail each other?
what if we're angry and lonely and miserable?
what if we forget about grace?
what if we don't make friends?
what if he hates school and
what if he can't find a job after?
what if we have a kid too soon?
what if we can't have kids?
what if I get lost on the subway and don't have a phone and get totally lost and can't remember our address and drew has night class and doesn't notice me missing until well after dark? (this is real life friends. I need one of those dog-tracker things.)

What if I waste so much time thinking and forget to do? What if I miss out on what God is doing, What he's welcoming me (us) into, that I keep myself (or, even scarier, us) from growth, from grace, from goodness?

Well, friends, my resolve for this new season, or this continuation of a season of transition and change and uncertainty, is to be certain. Most certain of the things I know certainly and beyond doubt.

Absurd grace. Abundant hope. Abounding joy.

Learning love with my husband will root us down, carving a foundation of life together
Reveling in grace again that births joy when we find cracks that need repair and work on them together, with our beloved creator
Laughter will fill in the loose boards and keep out the cold winds of the great white north and the frost fears of newness and change
I'll bake warm pumpkin bread and almond bars to wrap us up in thoughts of old homes and dreams for the one we're making together
We'll put books on shelves, photographs on walls, things in their place - all will remind us that we're led by a faithful leader toward our home. A home prepared for us. A place of rest and truth and not of fear.

So, I embrace these final days with a renewed expectancy. What will come next? How will He provide? What will He invite us into?

your will be done, oh faithful One.

now, who wants to help me pack!?

betrothal

2011-03-27T21:20:00.000-05:00

lenten resolve. eager and hopeful for weeks of intention to move me beyond me

supernaturally

wondering what will come in and within
in spite of this foolish and wayward heart
by somber reflection on grace that my 'me-ness' had no part in
but to desperately rely on what was given
so incomprehensibly on a tree of rough hewn boards
so many generations ago

and all these saints
believing and
intentioned and
hopeful
receive an overflow of grace that cannot run out but drips down expensively, excessively over the edges of a cup worn smooth by these thirsty lips across time and language
one in their humanity,
in desperation

and we, one
all reflecting on his denial of glory.

yet, even in the face of such mysterious glorious unfettered zealous love, my undisciplined heart is inattentive
subdued by the mere passing of hours and days which do not the delay the Lords coming
lo, even now he smoothes straight the crooked wrinkles in the fabric of our broken exile

though we have called it home

waiting, almost indifferently, continuing on with mundane and uninspired living
and this season, by wednesday is no different for the waiting but to sway ever so slightly towards

longing
wishing impulsively in bits and fits of vision and grace for
oneness
unity
life
the ache for existence that throbs deep within our being

and so we mourn.
confusingly, haltingly, desperately knowing our uncertainty can only mean we are still far
and God is willfully beyond our control
and yet in control, he sees us as we are and fashions life and purpose and order

for our good

for our good

for our good

and his GLORY.

and this glory-goodness creeps into my barely beating heart and warms a dawn of renewed hope
a new orientation and a growing knowlege of what we wait for and the horizion of it's coming
the union that will remove the wedge and thorn and tear and trial
the union that will break the bonds of death in me that I might know life
new kingdom, of his increase there shall be no end

a covenant of love. a covenant of mercy. a covenant of unity.
though I will never uphold my vow
Omega, it is finished

lenten revival. lenten renewal. lenten reconditioning
toward hope. HOPE.
rejoicing now about what is to come
for I am transformed by the renewing of my mind,
knowing sacrificial and once-for-all love that upsets the nations and might possibly
stir this heart

is good.

already

2010-10-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

The Lord is my provider.

The Lord.

The Lord is.

Provider. Provision. Portion.

my?

In this not-yet world I should not be so surprised to find myself in another not-yet stage of life. Not yet employed. Not yet married. Not yet settled. A haze of things not complete, problems not solved, answers not given. So I keep rhythms of already. Already working, sort of. Already in love with an amazing, Godly man. Already committed to a new community and dreaming new dreams. Rhythms of being more human all the time, with clarity and questions and calm.

Already, not-yet. Almost, not-fully. Yearning, revealing.

Revealing what?

my portion. my provision. my Provider.

The Lord is.

Teaching me love and patience.

Revealing the grandeur of his creation.

Reminding me of the joy of my salvation,

and the robust grace which abides with me as I work it out each day.

some days trembling. sometimes leaping with joy, skipping in anticipation.

and by his grace, fear of the not-yet is diminishing and a humble curiosity is growing in me.

a renewed and ever earnest longing, firmly rooted in a hope that flourishes. Today.

So I will work and wait and grow. I will observe seasons with an renewed appreciation of time, for we have been granted a rich gift of all the time that is. Our Lord is not bound by it, yet he has entrusted us with what is. all. enough.

create in me a clean heart, Oh God. and re new

re fresh

re form

a right spirit

a right human-ness

a right worship

within me

roots

2010-04-24T21:42:00.001-05:00

she is

beautiful branches dripping with glossy leaves

boasting blooming flowers

bowed low with the weight of her beauty

serene and still, glowing softy in morning springtime sun

no hint of the rot that lies beneath,

creeping even now up the trunk of this so praised tree

but it comes

silently stealing the sweet water that would nourish those frail roots

all while slyly, oh so cunningly praising the outward beauty

product of a hidden brokenness

and her neighbors? they flock to see the display!

utterly in awe of such charming little buds and delicate fragrance

secretly wishing to be so lovely

hoping against hope that none will know of the rot that lies within their bones

wishing to be so true as this one divine wonder

never wilting, ever budding

forgetting what it is to thrive in the unending pursuit of what is perceived

the graceful, lovely tree begins to wither under the weight of her own exhaustive pretense

she feels the ache within, but

none can know. she sees they do not struggle

ever fruitful never fading always in season with their song

no. She must hide. She must be grafted into one of those stronger ones

Her own root, which has gone deep,

has no grip on the soil which might have brought life

But as she bows lower and lower still, appearing to be graceful but so dry her branches groan and snap

she sees

roots

thick, gnarly roots of tall pines and oaks are intertwined

those trees that she has always despised

how could they thrive? standing so tall and ordinary,

unchanging with the times,

wearing scars that show their age and the storms that have shaped them?

could it be that they are more alive than she?

and from this low place, bent nearly upside down, dizzy with the weight of her own pride

she sees

roots

the mass of them, stretching across a whole forest

strengthening the grove

patiently

lovingly

together nourishing one another by sharing in their weight

for this network of roots does require something of its members

and this vulnerability exposes the weariness and age within

the struggle and scar and fear and ache of life lived in a not-yet world

but these groans for a new kingdom are sung together

and

so it comes

by these roots

waving wildly in the upside-down hope of a new reality

where none need hide

and grace breathes life

variation on psalm 43

2010-03-01T22:18:00.000-06:00

Send out your light and your truth!

like a parade of beauty

with trumpets, flutes and horns

dancers making sweet song

with truth. by truth. to truth.

a parade that cascades down city streets

illuminating each dark alley with its song

and I, curious but timid,

tired

lag behind

watching

wishing to be swept up in the jubilee

but fearing surrender

judging the masses, skeptical of their free praise

Oh! But send forth your light and your truth!

let them lead me

let them bring me to your holy hill

(and can it be that you have a home, a place for me?)

and to your dwelling

where I might find rest for my soul

weary and worn

but your light is warm and true

strength for the most faded and lost spirit

and so the ebb and flow of neighbors, known and unknown

sweep me along with the rolling crowd

like a tide coming in

the voices and music shimmer in a high canopy

caught

in the bright moonlight

home.

oh this city! an update.

2010-02-28T01:00:00.000-06:00

My blog hiatus has been wonderful but without real excuse.

A quick update:

I got to spend Christmas first in Iowa with Drew's family and then at home in CO with my own. In the week at home I got to catch up with Lauren and Jonathan and Annie and Katelyn - a great reunion of some of the people most dear to me from church during high school! Jonathan and I got to discuss the finer points of how to rid our world of injustice in regards to community, family, market, education, politics and well, you may send letters of thanks to us, my new address in chicago is 1220 N State, Chicago IL 60610....

I'm also accepting any sort of letter or package you might wish to send! :)

Drew visited for New Years before he jetted off to oxford for the semester (I'm visiting him over easter!!) and I enjoyed a few last nights at home before heading back to school for my final weeks on campus.

The bulk of January was spent in an interim class on Monastic Spirituality. One of my favorite professors and good friends taught this course, which studied the Rule of St. Benedict and a few other books about applying monastic values to our lives today. Needless to say, I absolutely loved the course and have been trying to adapt some of the principles to my life - particularly those regarding living with intentionality and hospitality as I seek to live a life full of worship and relationships that can honor God! If you have any wisdom or thoughts on the subject I'd love to talk more about it - it's something I need encouragement to continue seeking out and I'd love to worship in this way with others if anyone is interested!

The last week of January was spent in a hotel downtown for orientation for the program I'm doing this semester which is titled, profoundly enough, Chicago Semester. There's students from a number of small christian colleges around the midwest participating in the program - and although I spend more time with other social work students, I see most of the students during our weekly arts class and events which have been both challenging and enlightening! We get to go to art events around the city in loads of different venues, from well known theaters to little neighborhood projects.

And how is Chicago? Well, for starters, I absolutely LOVE this city! I love living here, I love working here, I love worshipping here, I love calling it home and feeling at home and finding a place, my place, in a new place.

I've got an internship with an organization called San Jose Obrero Mission in the neighborhood of Pilsen. It's a really unique neighborhood, founded by a number of polish immigrants, but shifting towards many mexican and latino immigrants over the last thirty years. It's bursting at the seems with culture and I've come to find a place there as well - even coming as an outsider who doesn't speak the language or fully yet appreciate the culture - I'm loved and it's so good.

San Jose is an interim housing and services shelter for men who are experiencing homelessness. In January, the city asked San Jose to take on a women and children's shelter that already existed just down the street. It's been a bumpy first two months, and there's a lot of change to come, but it's an exciting time to work with SJOM! I've taken on a bulk of the volunteer coordination and that has led to creating programs for the children here. Thus far, we've just been trying to handle the logistics of implementing basic services, like employment training, case management and housing assistance for the women - so it's been a great challenge to advocate for programs for these beautiful and wonderful kids! I'm getting to really put my frustrations with social work as a value system on the line and offer what little I've learned to my many business background co-workers. I'm learning loads and loving it all the way!

So that's been the last two months - ever so briefly. It's been a lot of adjusting to new places, new routines, meeting new people and finding a place here - in newness, newness that I hope will soon become my own. I'm so thankful to find a sense of peace here - that as much as I still miss my mountains and my family and our kitchen and the smells of home, I'm also so at home here in this city, riding these busses and walking these busy, quirky streets. I have so much passion for the work that God is doing here, and even as I rejoice to hear about the good work he is doing at V7, in my family and church community there; I know that God is calling me to work here. What a blessing!

I know that's a brief summation of a lot of happenings. If you have questions just ask...or call....or write letters...

I'll try to be more diligent with blogging - but no promises - I've got too much city to see! :)

A view of our wee studio from the door

my bed and our desk

and kendra's bed

and of course, I'm making excellent use of our kitchen! these are mom's best black bottom cupcakes. yum!

Marked by Ashes

2010-02-17T07:22:00.000-06:00

by walter brueggemann

Rule of the Night, Guarantor of the Day...

This day - a gift from you.

This day - like none other you have ever given,

or we have ever recieved.

This Wednesday dazzels us wtih gift and newnss and possiblity.

This Wednesday burdens us with the tasks of the day,

for we are already halfway home

halfway back to committees and memos,

halfway back to calls and appointments

halfway on to next Sunday,

halfway back, half frazzled, half expectant,

half turned toward you, half rather not

This Wednesday is a long way from Ash Wednesday,

but all our Wednesdays are marked by ashes -

we begin this day with that taste of ash in our mouth:

of failed hope and broken promises,

of forgotten children and fightened women,

of more war casualties, more violence, more cynicism;

we ourselves are ashes to ashes,

dust to dust;

we can taste our mortality as we roll the ash around

on our tongues.

We are able to ponder our ashness with

some confidence, only because every Wednesday of ashes

anticipates your Easter victory over that dry, flaky taste

of death.

On this Wednesday, we submit our ashen way to you -

you Easter parade of newness.

Before the sun sets, take our Wednesday and Easter us,

Easter us to joy and energy and courage and freedom;

Easter us that we may be fearless for your truth.

Come here and Easter our Wednesday with

mercy and justice and peace and generosity.

We pray as we wait for the Risen One who comes soon.

Growing up and gratitude

2009-11-29T15:04:00.001-06:00

I am

surely

growing up.

And the more I push forward to the next thing in life, the more I am learning how much I need to be pushed back down.

Humbled.

I'm so thankful for the people in my life who offer that accountability and who have the patience to bear with me in my less than attractive attitudes. People who refrain from rolling their eyes when I launch into a tirade about one injustice or another. Friends who graciously struggle with me to find answers to big life questions. Neighbors who accept me as I am, in all my quirks, even when I am too quick to judge and assume and control.

I'm growing. But in my growing, I don't want to forget to become very small in my own eyes, that others may become larger.

This week, when we take time to reflect on gratitude, I am thankful for grace that grows with truth.

Grace that illuminates my need for Christ.

Grace that brings to light would I would rather hide.

Grace that is gentle

yet fierce,

fighting for love.

hope.

2009-10-24T17:19:00.000-05:00

I'm recovering hope.

It's passion in action

It's love on the move

and it's going to be messy.

This week and conference has been like coming home

home to a family I've never met but has always had a place for me

A family because

these are messy people

they're passionate

they've got intense personalities

they're joyfully exhausted

they're weathered and seasoned ministers

agents of love

and they love Jesus most

they aren't looking towards end goals

but living out life together

simply, humbly as sinners and forgivers

forgiven

they are liberated in their limits

they're on the move and home

embodying hospitality

and it's lovely.

abandon

2009-10-23T06:13:00.000-05:00

This week I'm in Cincinnati for the Christian Community Development Conference with a few other social work majors. It's a whole lot to take in, but I'm feeling extremely blessed to be here. Getting to rub shoulders with men and women who have committed their lives to living out their passion for gospel oriented community development is such an encouragment! It's also a tremendous challenge, for these men and women are great warriors of faith. They are fully aware of their weaknesses and their total dependance upon the Lord to do this humanly impossible work of knitting together communities that break racial, cultural, generational, class and gender bounds. These men and women are warriors of faith, committing everything to prayer, humbly and with hope. They support one another and challenge each other out of mediocrity and into a glorious Kingdom that Christ is bringing and sustaining even now!

After some incredible worship with these thousands of brothers and sisters and listening to Jim Wallis speak last night, I began to reflect upon my conflict between desiring to serve God in such a mighty way by loving his people and my fear of unknown plans and circumstances. Fears of loneliness and doubt of success or rejection by friends and family should be easily bushed away in light of such glory, but they aren't. Even in the face of an abundance of opportunities to serve, I doubt that God can really work out all the details. Even as I listen to the testimony and witness of many who have gone before me and are right alongside me, I feel too timid to jump into life with Christ as they have. Even as I consider the ridiculous nature of such concerns, here they are, right beside me. Oh how I need you, faithful savior!

We sang Come Thou Fount last night, and this refrain continues to echo in my heart:

... Let thy goodness like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above!

So today I am struggling with the colliding realities of fear in leaping into the unknown and thankfulness for God's placing a constant aching in my heart to run with abandon into his purpose. I am learning again and again that it is not a great risk to trust in this God, but a leap into a real and unending hope!

Would you, my friends, my community, my brothers and sisters, pray for discernment with me? Both you and I have such wonderful opportunity to rejoice with God in the coming of his kingdom; may the sharing of our lives spur one another on to live out of hope rather than fear, delighting in God's will and rejoicing with all the Saints to know that his will, will be done!

Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is!

1 john 3:2

The social worker I want to be

2009-10-07T13:07:00.001-05:00

I have a lot of peace lately. Peace and hope.

There's nothing more wonderful than stepping outside and breathing in the cold crisp air while looking up into trees that splash bright red and soft gold across a brilliant blue sky. Leaves dance down from the branches and across paths on campus, getting caught on still so green grass. Jeans and sweatshirts and socks replace summer sheer and everyone is more settled. Comfortable. At rest. There's not yet a need to rush into the waiting warmth of a building, but we no longer carry the wet air with us. So we wander, we linger. Fall is like the pause at the end of a sentence: the rush of words has passed and now we sit and enjoy their fullness. Dwelling with them. Reflecting. Enjoying.

And in this space, I am settling more into myself.

I think it's rooted in a new and renewed sense of the person I want to be. A few weeks ago I wrote a bit on the type of social worker I want to be - one that seems to contrast pretty sharply with the portrait of a typical social worker. Sometimes it's so frustrating and isolating to find your vision and ethos set so far apart from the norm and so instead of resting in the pause, I was anxious to get onto the next thought, the next rallying cry. To sit and ruminate on the differences seemed oppressive and alienating.

But then fall came - that cold bit of clarity - in this short essay.

So as rudimentary as it is...

The Social Worker I Want to Be

In the many hours of reflecting and dreaming an reading about christian community that I've logged lately, I'm learning more about who I am and coming to find who I was, perhaps, created to be. Julianne, who has spent much of her life as a daughter, sister, friend, mini-mom and student- is finally coming into a personhood defined by relationships and duties yet to be known.

In studying the theory and practice of social work over the last two years, I have found community and passion and a place to grow in my own zeal to serve others by seeking the Kingdom on earth now. These experiences have revealed a greater passion and desire to study community by growing with and in community, struggling through conflict, and working to establish right and reconciled relationships. Viewing these interactions as necessarily related and dependent upon one another has helped me to begin developing a changed attitude towards the vocation (but essentially and wholly, work) of serving others; not merely by my knowledge, skills and values, but with my life, my relational offerings, my history and my future.

I am beginning to note a disconnect with some of the profession's basic premises of boundaries, goals, investment level and attitude towards relationships with my own personal (yet developing) ethos of practice. I know I have much to learn and experience and that such experiences will lend themselves to the creation of new perspective sand attitudes.

So I struggle, now, with the idea of what sort of social worker I want to be, acknowledging that I will be a life-long learner, but also eventually settling into some routine norms of behavior and boundary. I want goals that will propel me forward towards a more whole and biblically rooted model of community development, accomplished perhaps though social work practice.

I think I am yearning to a social worker at heart, not merely at work. To find a sense of self in posturing my entire life towards others - meeting them in relationships with a humility that echoes Lila Watson's well quoted phrase "If you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together." As a daughter of the Creator and a member of his kingdom I can yearn with all creation toward our liberation. My motivation of gospel truth and life offers me purpose and direction for such pursuit - but it is one I feel most suited for service through dynamic and enduring relationships.

I do not want to be a social worker working for change that cannot be communicated or fully realized because it rejects it's inherent moralism. I aspire to be a social worker that can humbly emulate our Savior who practiced holistic community - addressing the physical and spiritual needs of his image bearers, even when and though we are utterly ignorant of our depravity.

Perhaps what I am discovering is that social work may not be my profession, but rather a lens through which I can view the world and my purpose within it. Maybe my desire for community is really a desire to engage others in relationships that bring about social change, God's Justice, through a right understanding of such purposed identity.

Then again, maybe not. Surely there is much more to be known and unlearned and re-imagined about this short bit of life in vocation. So I desire wisdom that graciously extends itself to purpose - through a calling to social work practice or elsewhere - and the peace to accept and live out of such identity.

unreasonable

2009-09-24T14:19:00.001-05:00

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

And what is the name for one who submits to the father's will and works in the world to adapt it to the kingdom coming?

"For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building."

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose was is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and righteousness and sanctification and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

1 corinthians 3:9, 1:26-31

A name:

worker.

field.

building.

un-prestigious.

culturally incompetent.

no-name.

unpolitical.

second string.

B-team.

despised.

low.

unreasonable?

Perhaps. For what worldly reason directs us to acknowledge our sinful state, surrender our lives to an infinite being, and live through hope of a life beyond death? Seriously, Jesus missed the memo on how to start an effective movement. Where are the cool slogans, viral videos, slick websites and catch phrases? I mean, we've got this thing called christianity...but can we truly call it

Progress?

Forward motion?

Holy?

Romans 8 speaks of the yearning of all creation for redemption and restoration. Glory revealed and glory defined.

Mr. Shaw has it partially right, but I would challenge that we - the unreasonable - are not adapting the world to ourselves but are living beyond human reason to partake in the adaption of this world towards a kingdom vision. We have hope.

At least, we profess hope.

Are we living it?

Living beyond reason because we have true reason for living?

an opposite way

2009-09-18T12:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was absolutely gorgeous. Blue skies, an almost-fall breeze and warm sun made it impossible to pass up an afternoon bike ride. I have been wanting to try a longer loop in the forest preserve near school and it seemed like a great day for it! As I wound along a path of tall and cheery black eyed susans and an array of other wildflowers, I quickly discovered that I was heading against the flow of traffic. In the span of an hour I passed maybe three or four people walking on my side of the path while an unending stream of bikers, runners, rollerblade(rs?) and walkers came past on my left. It wasn't long before I began to wonder if I was still on the loop path or if I had perhaps somehow taken a detour that would dump me in the parking lot that everyone must be coming from.

But no, I stopped to check maps at every checkpoint and counted the mile markers and eventually began to recognize people coming around from the other side of the loop that I had seen before. Still, it seemed odd to be constantly face to face with so many people, particularly as nearly all of us were participating in exercise alone. Each encounter was an opportunity for a "hello" or head nod or quick wave - and nearly everyone was receptive to, if not the initiator in, these small pleasantries.

It struck me how similar this afternoon bike ride is to my life. Heading down a 'straight and narrow' path, an opposite way, can be lonesome. Occasionally there are others who come along side, whose lives you can observe or follow behind - and their presence is so valuable - but the vast majority of our interactions with the world are with many who are living out similar lives heading in completely opposite directions. Eventually we'll all end up the same place and know Jesus is the holy son of God. Eventually we'll see the kingdom come fully into a new heaven and earth.

But right now I'm just heading an opposite way, catching glimpses of such glory in gorgeous days and bike rides and black eyed susans. I love those fleeting hellos - they offer an opportunity to communicate love and humanity so simply. If I find myself living without chances to greet and share bits of life with people heading an opposite way - perhaps it will mean that I too am flowing along with them. I pray that if I find myself in such a place, God will send others who are heading in his opposite way to remind me of my humanity and calling, to help reorient me towards not just a destination but a way of living.

At one of my map checking stop points I exchanged hellos with a group of friends who were posting fliers about their friend who has been missing since last week. I sincerely hope their friend is found soon and in good health; their care and concern to step out of the normalcy of life to seek out a lost friend reminded me so much of the community I am blessed with, one that does not count it a cost to put life on hold to support and strengthen me, reorienting me to the right path. A path of life.

I'm thankful for hope even in this life. Hope that can shine in eyes and greetings and laughter, that strengthens hearts and character and breathes life. Hope that not only gives me a destination but a more excellent opposite way of living.

practice resurrection.

2009-09-08T23:39:00.000-05:00

As I think about the person I want to be - or rather, to come into being, I'm finding a sort of kindred spirit with the simple yet poignant observations of Wendell Berry. I recently came across this manifesto, entitled: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front.

enjoy.

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

desert roads

2009-09-07T10:46:00.000-05:00

I've never quite understood the desire to make bold declarations of what one will 'give up' for God. I'm often skeptical of alter calls and dedications, of commitment events and rededication retreats that seem to have little impact beyond a week or two of changed perspective. Perhaps it's just my personality, but I value and aspire to enduring faith, to consistency.

Sadly, I'm discovering that the unfortunate root of this perspective is probably pride rather than righteousness. I say I want to be consistant, to live always oriented towards the gospel and away from myself; that I want less valleys and peaks and more narrow road. And then I find myself on this road in the desert. I am so quickly discouraged and feel lost and abandoned (though it causes me to wonder how I find myself lost on this 'straight and narrow'...) and begin to question where I'm coming from and where I'm going. Consistency. Right.

This quandary reminds me of my first year of cross country in high school. You have to understand that Colorado is absolutely gorgeous but it necessarily includes a high desert climate to achieve such stunning sunny days and brisk starry nights. High desert = dry dry and no air. So, it was my first race and we were up at about 10,000 feet. The course was laid out over a hiking path which went up the side of a mountain, turned around for the decent and then climbed again, turned back downhill and, after a long straightaway led to a quick sharp uphill sprint to the finish. It was an absolutely stunning view but the ridiculous elevation changes were more than my green legs (or lungs) could take. I finished my first race gasping for air and water and vowing never to put myself through the humiliation of such an event again.

Fast forward to two months later. I had spent a week training on hills in the mountains and was heading back down to Denver for a road race just before the end of the season. I was conditioned and 'seasoned' and ready. It was wicked hot out - enough so that folks in the neighborhoods we were running through grabbed hoses and sprayed runners as we trotted past their driveways. This course was flat flat flat and followed along a dried up river bed for the majority of the race. Dust was kicked up by the hundreds of girls running; dust that coated the back of my throat and seemed to fill my lungs with its rusty grit. Girls were dropping like flies in the oppressive heat and muscles were cramping with lactic acid and dehydration after just the first mile. Around the second mile mark there was a long flat stretch that ran right along the field we would finish at a mile later. Being the solid back of the packer that I was (am...), there were girls already finishing and throwing their exhausted bodies down on the grass. I looked behind me and before me at the runners who were still plowing ahead, fixated on the path in front of them. But now that I had seen others finishing just a short hop of a fence away, I felt incredibly discouraged and irritated that I should have to run a half mile in the opposite direction in order to reach that same mark. Then those awful thoughts about the futility of race running crept in. "What would it really matter if you dropped out? What is really going to happen if you just don't finish this one? It's not like there's anything actually waiting for you at the finish. I mean, come on JV squad, no one is going to celebrate your time..."

Then I got hit with an ice cold reality check. Literally. Some kid with a hose stood in his yard yelling at all of us to keep running as he blasted my whole right side with water. His grandparents were standing on the porch cheering us on. Coaches began shouting to us from the other side of the fence - from their vantage point of the finish line - to press on for the last mile. So I stopped thinking and rationalizing and questioning and I ran. I finished with my best time of the season and promptly collapsed on the side of the road. But I was satisfied. Also, a free gatorade and an approving slap on the back from my coach = success.

So these two situations make me wonder, how do I practice endurance in my life? What am I inclined towards with the attitudes and choices that I make? When I'm stuck in peaks and valleys I vow never to return to such difficulty or embarrassment or neediness; yet when I find myself in the middle of a long, flat, dry spot I all but give up. I question my identity and purpose and direction. I begin to theorize and justify and attempt to create new goals from right there in the middle of the race.

The past few months I've found myself on the dry and narrow desert road after a spring spent on numerous hills and valleys. I have been praying for God to quiet my heart, to teach me to desire his own and to reveal to me the Julianne-ness that keeps me from running towards it with abandon. I asked God today if those prayers make him laugh because it seems that without fail, I'll make it no more than a week after such a petition and begin to question why things are suddenly so hot and dusty and discouraging. I could almost hear the big hearty belly laugh (which is the only way I can imagine God laughing) in response to such a question. It's almost like asking if I breathe or exist.

The dynamics of a relationship with this Creator never cease to bewilder and establish me, for I so quickly lose sight of the goal and start to question if there ever was one in the first place. Yet all the while, God is hemming me in before and behind and Christ, my blessed and glorious savior, is right beside me.

Oh for consistency.

So I hold to the small evidences that I am growing, that sometimes

I find a way to love

to serve

to listen

and hear

I'm becoming more me, more the me I was created to be regardless of the path or peak I may be on. And when I wander, what joy to be found always in the fullness of grace

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Take my heart Lord, take and seal it

Seal it for thy courts above

wisdom.

2009-09-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

Lord, teach me to desire your will

and to stop praying

that you would desire mine.

fuzz.

2009-08-31T23:25:00.000-05:00

Summary.

Conclusion.

Analysis.

Evaluation.

Synopsis.

Verdict.

I have none of these things.

I have been wanting so much to 'process' my summer. To prepare for the semester by boiling down my experiences in Maine and traveling about to some easily digested and concise points that can be applied to future endeavors.

This is a foolhardy plan because it assumes two things. First, it expects that I will encounter future circumstances that will benefit from applied knowledge rather than lived experience and conviction. Second, this attempt suggests that the story God is writing in my life has greater value as discussion questions than as a journey. But living is so much more enticing and exciting than a stuffy set of summary points - yet the summary sure seems safer. In summary I can fool myself into believing that I'm in control, that I have some kind of clarity and perspective and understanding.

Today, despite my best efforts, I have a head full of fuzz. I feel incredibly incompetent to convey my feelings and thoughts but a sense of urgency to do so. I feel conflicted about my role in community, my role in friendships, my desire for a relationship, and even how I am spending my fleeting time left on campus living college life. I feel inconsequential, immature and borderline irritating.

But if I am just a little bit observant, I realize that I am full of me. I aspire to serve others but I dwell upon my Julianne-ness. These are not congruent. They are in conflict. They are fuzz. I become overwhelmed by my circumstances and try desperately to grab onto anything firm within my reach. Sadly, God is often the last aid I reach for. I try too hard and struggle for too long towards hopes and ideals rather than truth and love.

I praise God tonight for the mess of community he's surrounded me with. For friends who do call me out on my sin, and love me deeply as they do - who do not shirk from the responsibility and difficulty of raw and real encounters with one another. I thank God for friends who accept me even in these inarticulate meltdown messes. I find the fullness of life for my story and journey through theirs.

At our leadership summit this past week the speaker introduced the idea of 'soul-prints'. Soul-prints, much like fingerprints, leave a unique mark on everything we touch but have a much more significant impact than mere trace on glass. With each conversation and interaction we have the opportunity to be the flesh and blood of Christ. Does that scare anyone else? I find it just a bit intimidating to consider the weight of my life, if a life used to love and serve outwardly rather than inwardly. And if not, then what a waste of a life created with the potential and longing to glorify this God that exists beyond time and loves beyond reason.!

It reminds me of one of my favorite Bonhoeffer quotes from his book Life Together. He writes, "God has put his Word into the mouth of men in order that it may be communicated to other men. When one person is struck by the Word, he speaks it to others. God has willed that we should seek and find His living Word in the witness of a brother, in the mouth of man. Therefore, the Christian needs another Christian who speaks God's Word to him. He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself without belying the truth. He needs his brother man as a bearer and proclaimer of the divine word of salvation. He needs his brother solely because of Jesus Christ. The Christ in his own heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of his brother; his own heart is uncertain, his brother's is sure."

I just can't get over how lovely that idea is and how blessed I am to see it play out in my own life despite all this fuzz and confusion and unscripted living. Even tonight as I worry and stress and fail to find words to give meaning to my thoughts - this remains true: I am a child of the living God and my greatest purpose and joy is to love and honor him. How perfectly mysterious that he should craft us to love and honor him by loving and serving and humbling and stumbling along with these brothers and sisters!

end of summer updates

2009-08-22T00:41:00.000-05:00

I hate just writing about my circumstances, but so much has happened in the last two weeks that I think a general recap is somewhat necessary for any forward motion. cue the relient k song.

so, starting with two weeks ago from thursday:

My portland church Missio Dei plans a slightly awkward but very sweet and unexpected farewell party complete with steak tips and carrot cake and a rousing rendition of 'for she's a jolly good fellow' yada yada yada awkwardness ensues, homesickness follows.

Friday I hop a train for Londonderry to find my childhood home has become a trailer trash wonderland. We circle round the block, do not pass go, do not feed the ducks at macs, they will attack you and your ice cream. Steph and Hannah are lovely hostesses, Tim's about 15 feet tall and a trip up to Mt. Washington and swimming in the river makes the summer complete.

Rush home to take some crazy "mike face" pictures (think shake face but better) with an eccentric but darling couple from NY, say goodbyes to the Rolands and PACK!

One final day of work, rush to finish transcribing then we're whisked off to the coast for some farewell seafood. See some famous person. Liz? Laura? Susan? Clearly irrelevant. Eat and talk, get ROC shirts and the Peace and Justice bible from Tracy and Genet, return home to find dusty was eaten by a rabid moose. We wish. Pack and talk and dance and pack and laundry and talk and pack until 2am. Airport at 5:30. Mackenzie loses ID. Finds ID. Fly to NY. Fly to DC. Walk many blocks to convent. Drop suitcases. Shower.

Almost meet up with Moody friend from Portland. Fail. Drink good chai. "debrief". OVERWHELMED. Try to have coherent conversations with friends on the phone. fail. Sleep.

Up. Read more of Job and watch a mesmerizing sprinkler. Tic Tic Tic chhchhchh tic tic tic. More 'debrief'. Do a poor quality and rushed presentation of my less than epic summer. Do not adequately convey God's awesomeness. Make up fake plans to change the world for workers. Wonder what I'm doing with these people. Vent about interfaith impracticalities.

Bolt for downtown. Meet CAT! catch up on life way too quickly, more to come. Deb and Todd and Argo. Friendship and stories and summer. Condensed. Kendra and the guy with 12 names. Pretty quality fellow. Goodbyes are too quick and back to the convent. Meet Derek. Transfer 80lb bag of useless junk. Wander lincoln park lost. It's fun. Eat. Laugh and talk. Have three am convo about God's will with my recent catholic re-convert roommate.

Up. Pack. Read Job: confusing. Build a tower of blocks with fellow interns to wrap up the summer. Take pictures. Discover I will miss them. Find cupcake place. Discuss finer failures of the internship to ROC national coordinator. Feel better able to see all the crazy ways God DID work. He's so much larger than I know.

El to Ohare. Check bag. Watch rich man melt down over misplaced ticket. Feel thankful for my stolen wallet. Move gates 8 times. Board plane that might have a LOST-like demise. Watch The Soloist. Love it. Watch people fight to get off the plane.

Arrive in Phoenix. Convince mom to follow directions to hotel. Overwhelmed by family, and love it. Spend two days getting antsy trying to relax by lying on a towel by a big hole filled with water.

Josh's wedding. Finally josh. :) Have the best night ever. Remember how blessed I am with such a crazy loving extended family.

Spend 18 hours in an overpacked mini-van with a very tense family. Traditional dinner at DQ. Classy. Many hours of Adventures in Odyssey. After three major pull-the-car-over melt-downs with abby we make it home at 2am.

Colorado.

Cold then hot. Bake lots. More tantrums. Wait in line at DMV for new license. Huge argument at home about my passions. Feel completely out of place. Storm out like an angry 13 year old. Cry and talk to Jesus. Struggle with why I care about walmart exploitation and sweatshops. Blubber on the phone to Kendra and experience the ridiculous power of the holy spirit to transform my heart as she prays. Have a great talk with dad and hug him. Feel thankful for similar personalities.

Am kind of a jerk sister and laugh at ben's new brace:

Contemplate more seriously a year of no clothes buying. Buy extra underwear at target just in case. Apply for a credit card. gag. Decide never to purchase anything I can't immediately afford or explain to my father. Get slapped by my little sister. Pray for her to know Jesus and his love while she screams bloody murder for the third time in 4 hours.

So.

That last bit is today and here I am. Oh. Well just before this shan and mom and I looked at http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/ and laughed a whole lot. That helped with today. Shan's been so great putting up with us while she visits all week.

But in all seriousness and with a lot of desperation, I ask you to please pray for my family and mostly for my sister. She's seriously struggling with something and so fighting our love. It's draining me after just days and I don't know how my mom is holding up so well. It's terrifying to see such anger and hatred flash across the eyes of a 6 year old. But this is real life. Every family has struggles and messiness and right now, this is ours. It brings new meaning to concepts like unconditional love and supernatural peace.

In four days I'll be back in trolltown and 1100 miles from this family. The thought brings a mixed up mess of emotions. I am so eager to see what God will do with and through the members of this nutty experiment of Koinonia; but at the same time I feel less than adequate to serve others when I see my own family so struggling and am helpless to change it.

What perfect peace comes from trusting in one holy and unchanging God who loves more than I can fathom and guides more faithfully than I could even hope for.

at least, this is what I'm reminding myself of today.

"Then Job answered the Lord and said:

I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'

Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

'Hear and I will speak; I will question you and you make it known to me.'

I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."

Job 42:1-6

heading back to chi-town

2009-08-11T21:36:00.000-05:00

As I write this, I am en route to Chicago for our two day IWJ debrief. I’m not quite sure what the next two days will hold but I’m hopeful that they will challenge me to examine all that transpired this summer and how it will continue to impact my life and decisions in the future. On the one hand, I can’t believe that the summer has sped by so quickly, but at the same time I am more than ready to see my family and friends, to be back in a place of comfort and known community.

I want to thank all of you who have supported me by your prayers, your words of encouragement, your perspective when I was stuck and challenged, your financial support that kept me fed, and your willingness to share what the Lord has been doing in your lives this summer, even as I was far removed from your immediate circumstances. It has been such a blessing and honor to be in Portland, seeking to serve the Lord and love his people while learning more about what justice is and how I might encounter it in our broken world.

I was thinking this past week about how ordinary, yet difficult this summer was. In one sense it was a real working summer, and I hope a good preview of what real life, life beyond college and living at home might look like. Certainly the future will hold numerous more responsibilities and opportunities than this internship and short time frame could afford, but I feel I've gained much by this experience. Still, I can’t say it’s been a ‘fun’ summer. I don’t have a new pack of best friends or inside jokes or camp songs, I haven’t even been able to keep very close tabs on my own family as they’ve traveled all over the place. There’s been no epiphany or mountain top experience illuminating my life calling or even directing my post-grad plans.

No, it’s been much more subtle, gradual, and less obvious growth. Two months ago I was wrapped up in training for this internship and that was sufficiently overwhelming. I had no idea what I was in for and really, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t have been prepared for all God had in store. I couldn’t have been properly trained for how to struggle through the gospel with a co-worker my very first day, let alone how to continue to struggle all summer long with the same questions and difficult to understand answers. I couldn’t have been prepared for the unending barrage of questions about evangelical faith within an interfaith context (and I still don’t know the answer to that one). I couldn’t have learned ahead of time how to be more outgoing, more engaging, more go with the flow and willing to take risks to make new friends and serve others. I couldn’t have been prepared for the introspection, the challenging of my own ideals, ethos, and past. No book or blog reading, no conversation or testimony or inspiring quote could have taught me as swiftly and wholly how much I need Jesus daily and regardless of my circumstances or perceived ability to react to them.

It’s so encouraging to look back on the summer and the months leading up to it and see how God was at work preparing me for the questions and frustrations and insight to come. How faithful he is! Re-reading through old journal entries has been such a good exercise in my neediness and God's continued grace and clear divine perspective.

I still have many questions without answers. I still don’t know what on earth God will have me doing this time next year. I still believe in his goodness, his holiness and his love for me. I've learned much about who I am, and whose I am: crafted in the image of the unchanging God and purposed uniquely to bring his glory to his kingdom. I've come to find new sweetness in the blessing of Christian community and new joy in knowing and encountering God in his word.

I’m still wrestling with the idea that at some point, some day, I’ll just “arrive” at adulthood; landing in a job or a family that will usher in some new era of faith and joy with the Lord. Slowly but surely the adventure and wonder of engaging the God of the universe in a relationship right now, today – and honoring him in all that I do, beginning today – is beginning to take hold of my heart.

In other news...today I was reading James on the plane and am fascinated by the connection he makes repeatedly between the faith v works debate and saying v doing in serving the poor.

"What good is it brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." - 2:14-17

any thoughts?

Things.

2009-08-05T21:54:00.000-05:00

My backpack got stolen.

In it was my wallet, ipod, 8 dollars, office keys, interview recorder (with about three weeks of work on it), water bottle, IRS mail, a used handkerchief, chap-stick, my favorite pen, the handle for our bike and a half used pack of gum.

It got stolen at an event Mackenzie and I put on that brought faith leaders and labor advocates together in conversation. The conversation was fantastic. Losing my stuff was strange. They didn't take my laptop or camera. A blessing.

Two days ago I wrote about seeking a departure from material things. In some ways, I feel satisfied not to feel too deep a loss for these things. I miss most the little notes and bible verses and quotes I have written on index cards and post its and the backs of receipts that I've been carrying around for years. I can't get those back. But I still have the people who inspired them and really, that's all that matters.

But I'm still frustrated. My world is so dependent on things. Losing them upsets my routine, my perceived safety. My sense of trust.

Things.

Sometimes, I just don't want the responsibility of them.

But honestly, if someone had really asked me for my backpack, would I give it to them?

No. Almost certainly not.

It's mine. I bought it. My stuff is inside. But someone took it. I don't know why. My computer was sitting out in the middle of the room and they snagged the backpack from under the chair.

Maybe their back is worse even than mine. Maybe they have to carry around the few things they own on their back all day. Maybe they knew needed some cash and were hoping to luck out. Maybe they were just jealous, or tired, or compensating for another need. Maybe it just happened, with no reason.

Things outside of my reason are unsettling. They reveal my fears.

Today I spent most of the day anticipating that something awful had happened to my family because none of them were answering their phones. I honestly panned through scenarios where they were all lost, and I was all alone. It kinda makes you realize what you're putting your hope in.

Things.

I need more of the gospel in my life. In it is a kind of foolishness and lavish wisdom that cannot be understood by human reason or justified with things.

It is whole and complete. It is peace. Rest. Surrender.

A new kind of call to action. The times when I feel worn down and tired in this life are the times when only the mystery of the gospel can renew my hope and passion, giving me new desire for the struggle and joy in my true hope,

Jesus.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

old soul.

2009-08-03T18:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I have an old soul.

I feel this increasing connection with and longing for relationship to those who lived two generations before me, or perhaps even farther back than that.

I know I am inextricably linked to my generation. I show all the signs of a post-modern young adult who reads books about justice and social causes and joins in social movements and has too many conversations about the philosophies of equality and the reality of poverty in our world for my limited experience in it. I own a mac and an ipod and a cell phone and use all three to keep me 'connected' to the outside world. I love documentaries but can't remember the details of most political events that have taken place in the last 100 years that didn't involve some sort of grassroots effort. I'm fascinated by mechanization but hate consumerism, modernism, and the gluttony of wealth, power and the contortions of the 'American dream'.

At the same time, I view the world first and foremost through a lens of reformed christian faith. I know I am totally unlovable and desperate in life and death without the mysterious and unending love of God, the sacrifice of his son Jesus and the radical indwelling of his Holy Spirit in me. I am working out my salvation in this life, trying to keep my vision set upon heaven and participating in Christ's bringing of his kingdom to earth. I have little interest in tradition for the sake of tradition, but I value the rich history of theology that my brothers and sisters have been struggling with for centuries before I.

I look forward to motherhood and homemaking and choosing them over a career, or rather as a career. I want to be immersed in city life, but with an endeavor to create small community life. I have little interest in things, in money, and I wish I had less interest in being appreciated and praised. I'm a work in progress, yet I am also living out of a transformed heart, once and for all. I have as much admiration for Luther, Calvin, Bonhoeffer, Mark Dever and Tim Keller as I do for Wendell Berry, Gary Haugen, Jim Wallace, Donald Miller and Marva Dawn. I have a passion for justice simply because it is the essence of God's character and I want to desire him more than anything else. I am increasingly frustrated by a culture that clings to the ideologies of two political parties that have way more in common than they would ever admit and spend way more money electing themselves to office than they do serving those they lord over. I don't fit in this 'spectrum'. I don't want to.

I want to have honest conversations and honest living. I want 'the good old days'. Farms, living off of the land and the money you earned. No credit. Little debt. Sharing what you have, depending on others' generosity. Growing the food you eat, wearing the clothes you sew. Not exploiting thousands worldwide in order to keep up with consumerism. No, small communities and small businesses. Family. Sustainability. Contentment.

So I want something I've never experienced. Something idyllic, perhaps?

It may be just a reaction. Just the idealism of youth.

Still, I would rather the idealism of youth when I'm young than the cynicism and hardness of the aged. I would really prefer to stop seeing them as such. I would love to glean their wisdom, the fullness of their lives. Their knowledge of God.

I would like a mentor. Or an army of them.

I need their lives and lessons to help me figure out this marriage of old and new, without finding moderation. I am not looking for a balance but something altogether different. Pleasing the masses does not satisfy. It cannot. By its nature, such living negates authentic pursuit of life. How I want to pursue life! I long to be singleminded for Christ. To be wholehearted in love. Unending in grace.

To need Jesus.

~~~

Teach me work that honors Thy work,

the true economies of goods and words,

to make my arts compatible

with the songs of local birds.

Teach me patience beyond work

and, beyond patience,

the blest Sabbath of Thy unresting love

which lights all things and gives rest

- Sabbaths 2002 'X', Wendell Berry

~~~

Jesus's message, which is "the gospel," is a completely different spirituality. The gospel of Jesus is not a religion or irreligion, morality or immorality, moralism or relativism, conservatism or liberalism. Nor is it something halfway along a spectrum between two poles - it is something else altogether. This gospel is distinct... in its view, everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, and everyone is called to recognize this and change.

- Prodigal God, Tim Keller

emotions. and pants

2009-07-31T20:46:00.001-05:00

I have them. I wear them.

Often at the same time.

I had a draft of a blog written up tonight that explored my desire for cross-generational community. I think it's some good thoughts, but also some that aren't fully fleshed out yet, so I saved it and put on a movie.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

I cried. Multiple times. Judge away.

I don't express my emotions well. Actually that isn't true. I do express my emotions in my passions, in conversations, in arguments, in writing. I suppose it's more methodical than spontaneous. And let's be honest, it's just not in me to emote visibly and excessively. My energies are used up elsewhere.

Still, as I sat watching this fairy tale of a film, crying over the story of loss, friendship, love, death, family and coming of age - I had to question why I found it powerful enough to draw tears.

It was real. Messy. I can see bits of myself in the stories, the characters.

Today, I feel loneliness. A longing for family. A love of public transit. A hate of public transit. Appreciation for the wisdom of my elders. Wishing my grandpa was still alive. Insecurity about how I look. About my relationships. A desire for real wisdom. Fear for the future. Simple joy while jumping in rain puddles. Missing good friends.

And so, more of my day is made up of and dictated by emotions that I expected. With a list like this, I would expect myself to be still 13 and a hormonal mess. Scarily enough, I think I appear fairly sane and reasonable most days.

I don't really know if that's a good thing. It is a good thing that I'm coming to accept and understand who I am, not as a collection of what other people think about me, but because I can see myself out of who God says I am.

And also because I've been away from everything I love all summer and I've had some time to think on it.

I can't wait to be back, back to home, to family, to school, to friends, to class, to the general messiness of life that I've had this brief hiatus from.

When I am back, when I am 'home' and struggling with what that word means; help me peel back the layers of 'safe' and 'sane' Julianne. Help me to tell the story of what God is doing in Portland, and graciously, in me. And promise you'll tell me your story. I want to hear, to dwell upon, to invest in, your emotions. Your life.

Community might be my new favorite thing.

10 days!

the mess of love

2009-07-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

I feel restless today.

Our sermon this morning was on humility - amazing how God works these themes into my life over and over when he's trying to make his point. I am so grateful for God's patient and persistent pursuit of my heart, but there are times when I feel like I'm on overload by all that he is teaching me.

I'm grappling with my pride and selfishness, with my longing for my family and my inadequacies in so many areas - namely being the friend and sister I want to be and serving and loving in a truly humble way. I can't come to terms with the culture I live in, the social values of consumerism and exploitation and injustice that rule our world - but I struggle to present a reasonable alternative. I'm trying to wrap my head around the opportunities I've had to share the mystery of the gospel this week, and how inadequate I feel to do it justice. I'm wrestling with my fallenness and the extravagant grace that has been lavished upon me anyway. I want reconciliation in brokenness, vulnerability in community, sustainability in love.

All these things are filling up my head and heart and overflowing into conversations but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I know that isn't true, I see the evidence of grace in my life and even as I read about Jesus' mission in the gospel of John I get swept up in the story of his love for us and I know I'm being transformed. So why the restlessness?

In two weeks I'll leave Portland, perhaps forever - my work here will soon be forgotten, the time spent building relationships will fade to memories and lives will carry on. In a month I'll be moving back to Trinity for a crazy semester exploring intentional community and discipleship. I'll be doing coursework, working on my capstone project, plugging back in at church, running errands, getting swept up again in college culture - and then three months later it will all be over. I'll move downtown, intern until may, graduate and then...

Then I'll get back to trusting Jesus?

I don't want my life to be comprised of the things I do. I want it to be comprised of the people I serve. The people that I put before myself. As I wrestle with the global economy and consumerism and how to live in a way that really honors our enormous God and loves the nearly 7 billion other people on this planet, by my actions - I know nothing more than that God is constant and unchanging. If those two ideas seem disjointed, spend a full minute or two watching the world population ebb and flow on one of those online calculators. The vast number of people being added to this earth every minute is staggering, but it's equally humbling to watch the number dip down every once in a while. To realize that each minute there are people who are passing from life here to life eternal. The brevity of it all is a bit startling.

In fact, it makes it seem laughable that I would waste precious years - years because all these moments of julianne-centric living are adding up - of my life concerned with my own well being rather than wholly consumed with love for others.

"O righteous Father, even though the world does not know you, I know you, and these know that you have sent me. I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them." John 17: 25-26

Thank you for letting me share this with you. I know these are nothing more than poorly constructed thoughts on a screen - but they have helped even now to reorient my vision towards the only one who deserves to captivate it. I do very much want to share more of what I am learning about worker justice through my time here, but the bits and pieces of insight pale in comparison to the effort of communicating what our great God is doing in my heart and in Portland! Plus, I think it's a sort of a proper prioritizing when it comes down to it. Whatever wisdom I may gain about how to serve in a world of injustice is useless if I do not know Justice and keep him as my guide and rear guard!

my dear brothers and sisters, the greatest of these is love.

more lessons in humility

2009-07-23T10:49:00.000-05:00

For the last year and half I've been playing some sort of very unfun game of chutes and ladders.

With my body.

It all started with one long chute to the Palos ER freshman year with dizziness and back pain and has continued on it's joyride from one doctor to another, even including some fun circusy tilt tests which ultimately concluded I had vertigo. It was a blessing to have a diagnosis. It's been a blessing to have good health care to afford the pills that can pretty well control it. It's a strange but great joy to be able to wake up some days and run a few miles, or hike with friends, or simply go about a normal day - after a week out of commission.

But the game has continued.

What had been short spells of bad days have turned into much longer and worse bad days, and what were pretty significant periods of good days have shrunk to be one or two in a week.

This summer, particularly, has been a trying one as my back has continued to cause me a lot of pain and has interfered with not just the fun things of summer but also my internship responsibilities.

I'm writing today to ask you to petition Jesus with me. Please pray for healing but more importantly, pray for greater trust in what God is doing in me and joy in the process. Pray that through this, I will see less of me and more of God and grow in my capacity to love others.

I have always been an incredibly independent person. I love routine and structure and being outdoors and packing my days full of great times with great people. This game has some rules about those things, and I'm finally starting to comply with them, but it's not so fun. I find myself all too easily getting incredibly frustrated with myself and angry with my circumstances. I have so much I want to do in life and I've found myself starting to doubt God's plan for me because it isn't following the course I think my passions should be taking me.

I am tired of this game.

But, I am in awe to find people playing with me. I'm amazed to look over and see others living out their struggles alongside me; sharing joys and trials, finding hilarity rather than irritation in the situations which shoot us 15 spaces back, or ever farther. How God blesses me with such community. It may not heal my back or illuminate the future, but as long as I'm this side of glory - it offers me joy and a greater understanding of what life with Christ will be like. It helps me remember that I am quite needy - needy for God's grace and salvation, and needy for the hospitality and care of friends he's placed in my life. Neediness is not a high virtue in our culture, but I think that perhaps neediness that leads to humility might be just what will sustain us as we play this game.

John Piper has written "Humility does not try to save face. It is quick to admit its own finitude and imperfection and stubbornness."

Well, to say I have been stubborn is the understatement of the year, and I am much more imperfect and finite than I can fully grasp. So great is grace and community in light of such admission!

My dear friends, I have much to tell you about what I am learning about worker justice, and I cannot wait to have those conversations with you in person soon! Pray that humility would take root in my heart, so that I can share what great things the Lord has done in me this summer without being clouded over by frustrations about my health and circumstances.

God is so good, and greatly to be praised!

I once was blind, but now I see. seeing jesus.

2009-07-16T21:13:00.000-05:00

To preface this post, I'm currently waiting for a few Tylenol pms to kick in and so when I read this post again in the morning it's quite likely it'll have more than a few grammatical errors and several derailed trains of thought; but with the events of the past few days I'm more than due to write a follow-up to the post from earlier this week.

I had said something to the effect of feeling just around the corner from understanding something new and great about God.

I'd like to revise that concept. I keep thinking of Romans 1:18-21 which explains that what can be known about God has been made clear since the creation of the world in the things that have been made. It goes on to say that those who deny and suppress God's truth are without excuse because what can be known about God has been known in things that they clearly can see and experience all the days of their lives.

Tuesday evening on my way home from work on the Westbrook #4 bus I encountered one of those created truths about God. That one about him being in all things, particularly those people that he created in his very own image.

Yeah. Jesus was on the bus.

Last week I was listening to Francis Chan's book Crazy Love (which is also still free for download) and his challenge to see every person as if they were Jesus himself walking into our lives has stuck with me.

Usually the bus during rush hour is a lot of eco-conscious business people. They've got on business clothes which, I mean it is Maine, so it's still pretty casual - but you can certainly distinguish them from the unemployed or the large population of those on disability as they carry all their workly possessions in a sustainable, trendy and overpriced messenger bags and backpacks (mine included). But, for whatever reason, this #4 bus missed the memo. It was half white collar and half thankful not to be shirtless.

Enter Jesus.

Two adults with some kind of developmental disabilities got on the bus and sat down across from me. The woman had a cane and her husband or boyfriend helped her to a seat where they began chatting about the day. The man with her was so attentive and gentle as he helped her get settled in and held her bags.

A little boy probably about 5 or 6 years old who was completely covered in dirt and grime - the kind that comes from a week of blissful boyhood and no bathing - plopped down next to me with his fishing rod and a shaws bag of various trinkets. His two brothers and exhausted looking dad sat down near by.

Two 20s somethings got on the bus with some pretty awesome dreds and giant backpacks that seemed to have seen a lot of the world. But I don't think these were hipsters doing some hostel traveling after college. I'm pretty sure they were homeless and trying to find a place to stay for the night. They mentioned something to the bus driver about having a connection in so. portland - a place to stay for the night. There was only one empty seat left just in front of me and next to a woman in a sort of l.l. bean pantsuit. The guy let his girlfriend have the seat and the nice corporate woman made an exaggerated gesture of giving her more than enough room.

A teenage boy came running up the bus swearing loudly about not having enough for fare and shouting at his friend to loan him a quarter so he could pay for his ride. Eventually another rider, one of the two sitting across from me, offered him the change. The kid sat down and started to hand out pieces of gum to the dad and his sons. Then he told them to "take a few more" because "one never really does the trick". The boys were thrilled!

The teenager and the family began chatting about the fishing adventure the man and his sons had had. Although, while I call it an adventure it seems like this may be a daily routine. The little boy next to me was so proud to announce he had caught 5 mackerel that day which they sold for a dollar each to tourists who use them for bait.

A days' work for 5 dollars. It costs $1.25 for adults and $1 for kids to ride the bus home. So that left this family with a grand total of .75 cents from their daily work.

Before I got on the bus, I was planning to head to a local coffeeshop to buy something to cool off with. I mean it was fair trade and locally owned coffee, a nice gesture of goodwill really. After all, I'd been working in a hot office for 8 hours and was exhausted. I'd earned a nice treat.

And then I met Jesus in the bus. And Jesus couldn't pay the bus fare. He couldn't get a job because he was taking care of three kids who aren't in school all summer. Jesus needed a cane to walk and Jesus didn't own a toothbrush. Jesus didn't even have a place to sleep for the night and only one sort of acquaintance in the next 100 miles.

Maybe it is a bit sacrilegious to think of our holy holy God in such simple and human terms, but I'm not so sure. I think that maybe I'm starting to believe that Jesus did become man not just to give us some great stories in my nice leather bound bible or so we'd have something to celebrate instead of materialism at Christmas - but maybe it was so we could actually identify with his offer of salvation, because he was first identifying with us.

My head is still very full. I've always felt sure of so many things, felt I had answers to large life questions. I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know what the solution to such poverty in Portland is. That bus had a lot of poverty, not just regarding those who had little wealth, but also those who had much and were paralyzed by it.

Like me.

I got a bit of a vision of community work to come. Of riding public transit and meeting Jesus and inviting him to my house to eat with me. Inviting him to crash on my couch or my floor and to use my shower. A vision to love.

It's a little bit scary. It's a lot exciting.

It's Jesus, living with me much more visibly than I've ever realized before and teaching me so much about himself and who he created me to be and even how I can respond to him.

kind of awesome huh?

Where are you seeing Jesus?

John 9:39-41 "For judgement I came into this world that the blind would see and that those who see will become blind"

I just got lost.

2009-07-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

I'm in a weird kind of funk this week. One where my head is so full of different thoughts and passions and ideas and convictions and struggles and joys and conversations that I am really struggling to nail down any one theme or arrive at any conclusions. I've been journaling pages and pages and enjoying the wisdom of wonderful mentors, pastors and friends and spending more time than ever simply dwelling with Jesus. On Sunday, the mentoring pastor of my church here preached about John's love for Jesus and how his entire life focus was on again dwelling with him. He was truly oriented toward heaven in a way I'm just beginning to understand.

Sometimes I honestly worry about loving Jesus too much. I worry that if I really give him my whole heart and am only concerned with giving him the glory he deserves that I might miss out on the other things of life. I worry that I'll miss out on opportunities to help discern my 'calling' - experiences that will lead me to a job or a husband or a part of a country where I'll spend the next years of my life. I realize it's completely inconsistent with what love for Jesus actually is: surrendering my life so he can actually make it worth living.

But here I am struggling. Sometimes I feel like I experience joy with God in these little glimmers that pass on before I can really get a look at them. It's like sitting with your back to a window at night while cars drive by and their headlights shine briefly into the room. It's a bit blinding for a moment - you can't help but notice it - but by the time you turn to look at what it is the car's long gone down the road, around a bend and out of sight. Still, the memory remains and it may even take a moment to reorient yourself back to the dim light of the room.

All that to say, I know that unlike a phantom car on a dark night God is ever present with us, and by his Spirit in us. But I find that just as sometimes he allows me to experience him in the fullness of his beauty (which, I have to believe is only the tiniest fraction of his glory because I couldn't possible stand to see the full face of God), he also allows me these momentary glimmers of what the fullness of love and truth will look like.

Perhaps I'm the only one who experiences those shimmers of God's beauty but I find them both incredibly encouraging and frustratingly difficult to handle as I struggle to sort through this mess of thoughts on everything from community to secular humanistic faith to community development to healthcare reform to dating relationships to how to be a good long distance sister to understanding the people of Israel to wondering where 'home' is to wishing I knew more, said less, articulated better and loved more fully.

I think I can illustrate it best with a bike ride I took tonight. I've discovered I can bike with almost no back pain afterwards(!) so I mapped out a great little 3 mile pre-dinner ride around the neighborhood and set off. It was great. Perfect weather, breezy, gorgeous almost-sunset sky.

Then I came to my first turn. It was supposed to be just before the interstate, thus avoiding the heavy traffic and moving into a quiet residential area. Well, I began to doubt my ability to really remember the map and got nervous about being on such a busy road and so I chose to deviate from the plan a bit and took the nearest turn down a residential road.

And so began a 30 min maze of winding back upon myself on curvy roads and dead ends. It was a pleasant enough ride but it began to get a bit dark and I began to get a little worried I might not find my way back home. I normally pride myself on being directionally savvy, but tonight I was getting hopelessly turned around. Even after getting back to the main street I felt disoriented and turned back into the windy neighborhood ( smart huh?). Eventually, after nearly plowing over an elderly couple and getting directions, I was soon to be home. But as you can see:

I took possibly the most round about way home. I was fearful of what was ahead and so instead of trusting what the map said I decided to forge my own way. I eventually got back home but I could have gone much further and seen much more if I hadn't been doubling back on myself so often and been so burdened by fear of being lost. Several times I was just one short street away from the one that would lead me home, but then I chose to turn the opposite direction.

Tonight I feel I'm just a short street away from understanding something more about God and how I might serve him. I'm praying I don't waste time veering aside, thinking I know the best way to learn what he has to teach me.

Humility. Perhaps that's what this all comes down to. Humility and glimmers of truth.

stumbling into community

2009-07-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

I got to take a mini retreat this weekend and enjoy some lovely down time with a good friend in some of God's beautiful creation. Sadly, I didn't really realize how much I was in need of a time-out until half way through the bus ride home on Sunday night.

I'm kind of a slow learner. I'm also a pretty sinful person.

See, last week I was pretty miserable with back pain and pretty drained of energy. By the time friday rolled around I was getting ready for the trip like it was any other chore - and found myself increasingly irritated with my really great roommate for her enthusiasm and excitement about taking off for the weekend. She was playing some crazy tunes and getting amped up to see her friend and visit a new city and I was sulking. I really ran the gamut of emotions over the next 24 hours, from visibly irritated to sugary sweet to annoyed to impatient to pompous - you name it, I'm ashamed to say I've been there. But Friday morning I got on the bus, popped in my earbuds to tune out everything around me, and started listening to the book Crazy Love (it's free for download this month!). Kind of ironic, given the circumstances, but it's even better because I totally tried to pull the holier than thou attitude. Sad.

So we arrive in Boston, Mackenzie and I parted ways for the weekend (and I was actually prideful enough to thank God for some time alone with my friend. unbelievable), she to her friend's house and myself off with Lauren. I immediately started whining to Lauren about how much I need a break from my roommate, how I am so tired of being stuck in that house and sick of my work and so overwhelmed by the differences between Mackenzie and I. It continued this way most of the weekend - I was quick to pounce upon any opportunity to bemoan my circumstances to a listening ear. It's pathetic really, and I knew it was wrong and rooted in my own insecurities. In fact, it was weighing heavily on my soul as I sat reading scripture and praying beside a beautiful beach - trying to create a nice "God moment". So I asked God to forgive me and help me to work on my anger and frustration; and I thanked him for some "much needed time away".

But God won't be fooled. He gladly works his love in my heart and soul, but repentance is nothing if not followed by a changed heart and I definitely didn't want to change. I wanted to whine. I, Julianne, child of the living and most high God, saved and secured in Christ by his death and resurrection, equipped with the holy spirit and this supernatural and most radiant love - I thought I was more content to whine about my circumstances. Oh the injustice of it all!

So back to that ride home. I was listening to more of this book and was just overcome with God's graciousness towards me. I would love to quote it, but it's really hard to highlight books on tape and I think I'm just going to have to go buy this one at some point. It was something to the effect of describing everything we expect heaven to be - the peace and joy and wholeness and eternal life and beauty, and then asking if I would be content in this place if I knew Jesus were not there. I was taken aback. I've had so many conversations with Chris about how we serve a God of Justice, not of injustice. That even in the most just of circumstances I would be equally passionate about glorifying God for his justice - and yet if I was honest with myself, I would be totally content with a perfect "earth" sans Christ. It's hard to even re-type this thought process, I'm in tears even now as I have to come to terms with the sin and pride that is in this heart - how pompous to think for even a moment that I am self-sufficient!

Oh God's great mercy on me! I do not deserve it. I scarcely can turn my thoughts toward it. And so I turned off the book and began to pour my heart before this glorious God, and he answered me with a hour of beautiful sunset over streams and forests and a sky of radiant magenta and glowing orange and wispy blues. And then the words came as he told me he loved me and had a great plan for me, and reminded me of how he's been so faithful to me and will help me refine my heart. Then he reminded me, so gently and with such love and understanding, that I needed to ask for Mackenzie's forgiveness. Part of me was paralyzed, even knowing that she is so generous and forgiving, just to reveal to her my sin and immaturity.

Mackenzie showed me more Christ in two sentences that I had shown her in a week. She told me not to worry about it, but that she was thankful to me for bringing it up. She told me to let her know if I needed space. Such grace.

So I'm the community minded one. I'm the girl who loves to push people past what they're comfortable with, to challenge them beyond their comfort zones and easy friendships and press for something deeper. I'm the girl who wasted a whole lot of air this weekend whining about a really lovely girl who I am truly honored to spend this summer with.

Friends, I feel convicted to share my heart with you. Not the pretty and successful stories of christian faith, but the reality of my life in Christ. Forgive me for not being more honest about who I truly am - one dead in my sin but now radiantly alive in the living God! I do long for real and difficult and Christ-like community, and when I don't long for it, I want to want to long for it. It's a messy longing and I certainly don't have it all figured out but I do have the gospel. More than that, I have the gospel alive in me - and I know God is working with me on my sin and loves me not for my efforts but for his sacrifice. Please challenge me to examine my heart, especially when you see me blinded and suffocating in my sin. I'm not just asking. It's an expectation, and a desperate need.

I want more in friendships. If you consider me a friend, I need you to be real with me. I'm not saying this to put the blame of my sin on someone else or to shift responsibility of pursuing Christ-likeness. But I do know who I am and I am not lovely. I'm not a good person. I'm a child of Christ, my savior, who has surrounded me with such incredible friends and filled my life with many new bits of community. May we bring those seedlings to fruition by serving one another with authentic community and real love.

Will you join me?

Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, though Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever!

Jude 1:24-25

I might be blind.

2009-06-29T20:48:00.000-05:00

Today was an intense day. It started off so unassuming. It was pouring all morning, I didn't sleep well last night and was stumbling around this morning getting ready for work, catching the bus, settling in at the office. Three of the four interviews I scheduled for today were no-shows, so there goes all of thursday and fridays work from last week. Awesome right? Mondays are the best.

By about 3 we were all ready to call it quits for the day; and then I had a little breakthrough with interviews. I set off in the never ending june showers to try and track down those no shows to reschedule and ended up at this unique little shop that specialized in all things fair trade. Of course, I've been eyeing the place since we got here because of all the info about co-ops and fair trade products, despite continuing to hear less than impressive things about the management of the place. I walk up, introduce myself, start my schpeel, and then get cut off and asked to never set foot in his establishment again. Interestingly enough, as I start to apologize the owner launches into what would be an hour long tirade about everything from minimum wage laws to unions to his experiences with fair trade farmers to the inadequacy of job training to my apparent close mindedness to his equating my affiliation with a labor movement to his potential interest in a white supremacy group - and why would I want to speak to him if he was so close minded? - to his clear business philosophy towards serving others and his disgust of money and profits. This guy was just all over the place. He wanted to talk, and so I listened.

And finally at the end of an hour, I walked away having somehow irritated him just enough to secure his possible participation in a further conversation (read: rant) about his experiences.

It wore me out, that one. I can't recall the last time someone, anyone, let alone a stranger, judged me so quickly and found me fit to attack based purely on assumptions and suppositions. It was startling and intense and overwhelming and then it was over. As I walked back to the office so drained and with a head swimming full of questions and frustrations a man named Tyrick walked up to me and asked me for help with his bus fare. He was staggering around a little bit as he explained to me his need to get to Boston to get his new state ID card and then connect with family there that he can live with. His eyes were bright as he passionately told me all about his siblings and cousins and nieces and nephews and glory days as a boxer and trying to make it on the streets so far from home. All I had to offer was a buck, but I asked him if I could pray for him and he immediately reached for my hand and said "shoot sister, do it!" So I got to petition the Lord for his safety and quick arrival in boston, for unity with his family and their ability to help him with his needs. We chatted for a few more minutes and then I was off again, head still swimming, still no answers nor any real way to express all the crazy conversation that had taken place over the past hour and a half. It's a weird feeling to experience something so confrontational and feel inept to express or process it...and then immediately experience something so fundamental and simple that it needs no words or processing.

These are relationships.

I still continue to struggle with the ethical implications of the work that workers centers are doing around policy issues - about how much the government can and should be doing to regulate worker's affairs. I still feel so strongly that communities need to own their issues and work through them on a personal level without any outside value judgements or assertions or programs or policies. Yet we live in a world that reeks of injustice and submits to the rulers of our states for some sort of solution.

And these are relationships.

Relationships I have with a homeless man on the street outside the store of a man who is convinced he's following a moral call to serve men such as these (but not this these) living in a community of workers who must rely on the goodwill of their employer to cover the gaps in legal practices while the manager is just trying to stay afloat in an economy affected by not just their competitors but national events which are guided and interpreted and sometimes exacerbated by media involvement which is, at it's core, simply communication of the events of life from one person in one experience to millions worldwide. A sort of community?

I'm not even sure. But what it boils down to is this: my only (seriously) confidence rests in hope of salvation, a hope and joy that can allow plenty of grace for a man who judges me to be the most despicable kind of wretch - because I am, and I am much worse that even that. I'm refreshed to remember that my life is not my own and yet God is leading me so faithfully exactly where he intends that I might speak truth and live love in relationships. I may never understand or wrap my head around these experiences or formulate some theologically sound response to such a barrage, and honestly, that scares me. Lots.

But it's bringing me to a place where I can need God, again, today. I forget so quickly that I need him in every breath, every thought and movement. I so easily build a life that is secure and settled to a point that I don't need such moment to moment dependancy upon my Jesus.

So the truth is, I'm needy. I'm highly incompetent and sinful and lost and confused and messy. You probably know this, but I'm just starting to understand. At the same time, I'm also loved more than I can begin to fathom or express or revel in. Love resides in me, purely and simply.

As God told Israel so many years ago, and continues to speak in whispers and shouts and songs and hurricanes upon my heart this week:

"I will lead the blind in the way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. " isaiah 42:16

I am the blind, and it's not cruelty but grace that is guiding me in an unknown path.

I don't have the answers for these large life questions, but I truly believe beyond the shadow of any of my doubts that the hope of the gospel offers life for all and will transform our world. May we be fully present in the kingdom of God now!

Be loved with such love that cannot be contained. Bask in it. Be drenched with it. May it radiate through you and into your relationships, and rejoice for the Kingdom of God is here!

family.

2009-06-22T21:03:00.000-05:00

What does the word family bring to mind? I mean really. When you really stop to think, setting aside whatever else is on your mind or your computer screen: what is family? - what images and words and textures and feelings and smells and memories come to mind?

Most of the time, my mind immediately jumps to our kitchen at home. It's dinner time. It's loud and chaotic and kids are running in and out of the sliding glass door to the patio and tattling on one another and the neighbor kids get sent home and the radio is playing and the boys are ambling around the kitchen snacking and goofing off and getting in the way and being scolded for not setting the table and Mom has got every cabinet door open and two things going on the stove and another in the oven and the microwave is beeping and dad gets home and then everything really gets going as a call goes out for dinner and after the fourth or fifth attempt everyone manages to get in the kitchen at the same time and maybe only one or two things get knocked over in trying to seat everyone around our too small table and then finally, there's a brief pause and someone asks whose turn it is to pray. And so we do. And then we eat.

And that's family.

But family is also moving to a new city and seeing God at work in the lives of a bunch of strangers you're thrown together to live with and being so blessed to be a part of his good good work even though you feel completely uprooted and inadequate to serve them and you're craving christian fellowship and community and so you email a random church and three people email you back and two call and then a great young couple come and pick you up on fathers day with their adorable 12 week old newborn and bring you to a fantastic community that meets in a tiny elementary school lunch room way up high on a hill overlooking the bay and you meet just about everyone there in about five minutes and they all invite you over for lunch that afternoon and so after listening to a great and convicting sermon and worshiping your great God you go and drive to a farm with some Iowan transplants who happen to know what reformed theology is and love salt and vinegar chips and then you meet a mom with three little boys and a vase full of tadpole frogs on her kitchen table and you sit and you chat with some great women and they draw you in as if they've known you for years and the men grill and the women make tea and laugh together and dream a little bit about what God might be doing with their church this year and how they can serve others and you find yourself swept up in such love and hospitality and full of a thankfulness that just doesn't have words and you listen to children giggle and shriek outside and help them make hot dogs and thank God for such fellowship. And then you eat.

And so. It would seem that family might equal eating in my mind. Which is not quite what I was expecting but given the circumstances of my eating with such wonderful people, I suppose that this conclusion is satisfactory.

I'm finding family here in the loveliest of ways. God is at work in the hearts in portland and in those far far away and somehow sees fit to bless me by allowing me to take part in their joy by watching his good work.

I'm blessed. And if you might pray for me today, thank God for blessing me so richly, probably by even allowing me the honor of seeing his goodness revealed in your own heart and life - a great joy of friendship and familyship no matter how far from home I might be!

What a crazy good God loves us!

raindrops keep falling on my head...so this is portland!

2009-06-19T13:30:00.000-05:00

It's a rainy day today in Portland.

Here at work, my desk looks out over one of the main streets through this huge bay window, providing the perfect opportunity for people watching. It seems strange to me how many people walk and bike about without raincoats or umbrellas on this chilly and wet afternoon. Their jeans are soaked through as they plod along in their LL Bean boots with green City of Portland issue recycling bags full of collected cans, or canvas shopping bags from Paul's food center or the Cigaret Shopper (proving you can be eco-conscious while destroying your own lungs...but I digress).

Is it because they don't own rain gear? Is it too cumbersome to carry an umbrella around town? Perhaps they weren't expecting the rain? Maybe. But I think most likely this rainy day is just inconsequential in the spectrum of rainy days in Portland. What is to me dreary and endless drizzle is nothing more than a simple summer shower for these seasoned Mainers (their title of choice).

And so I'm back in the position of an outsider looking in. I observe, critique, adjust, examine, discuss and dwell among people who have different quirks and patterns than I'm used to. And in the midst of it, I'm here to serve and work among the people who are native to this community. What I find odd they find natural. They've long since adapted to and created the norms and called it home.

Surprisingly, I'm finding it easier and easier to cope with, the more I throw myself among strangers. I'm gain such comfort and strength and vision in passages like 1 Peter 2:9-12. I am nothing more than a sojourner in this world, and nothing less than a child of God's glorious kingdom coming to earth!

As I've settled in here and begun to find my place in a new community, I'm continually in awe of the opportunities to boldly speak about the gospel. My roommate's supervisor is fascinated by "evangelicals" and continues to ask me questions about what drives such faith, how it plays out in concerns of justice, how to engage with this community, where I fit into it - and so I get to speak such fantastic truth over and over again! Even the things I have come to accept as norms, - like thanking God for a meal before I eat, or finding time to quiet myself and read my bible - are actions that speak loudly of God's grip on me. How blessed we are to serve a God who loves to meet us in every avenue of life!

Although I often find myself judging people who are inconsistent in their actions and words, I don't think I've ever really taken stock of how great an impact actions can have on understanding a person's character. Even among christians, I rarely encounter such acceptance and interest in study of scripture and a passionate faith - and yet here I meet that sort of response over the simplest things, from expressing interest in finding a local church to saying a prayer before a meal. We, the church, have much to learn from those outside the influence of our dogma if we are to truly be salt and light in a world longing for hope in truth.

This post is winding far from my original intent - to simply observe that I'm doing ok with the adjustment to Portland thus far, even though the culture is much different and the experience beyond what I could have planned for or expected.

I'm enjoying the slower pace of life. My work day doesn't start until 10, when Mackenzie and I arrive at the office (often before anybody else). We usually spend about an hour chatting, planning for the day, tying up loose ends from the day before. Then we start to work on projects, but workers and other staff drop by to chat about projects and experiences in the local industry. The work I'm doing this month is focused on conducting 35 employer interviews over the next few weeks to better understand their perspective on the industry's issues, particularly how they perceive worker issues and what their concerns are. It's so encouraging to see my coursework be put to practice in real life in an avenue I am actually super pumped about! Kendra...I even have hours of transcribing in my future...sans the old school recording equipment. :)

Our office houses the Southern Maine Workers Center (which birthed ROC about a year ago), the ROC-ME office and a healthcare reform campaign. But by office, I mean we all work out of one room a little larger than my dorm living room. It's cozy and sometimes a little loud, but generally pretty swell. Mackenzie and I are working on different projects, she's much more involved in getting local faith leaders to sign onto the Employee Free Choice Act, an act that will help workers to more easily organize in pursuit of living wages, fair treatment, benefits and generally more workable relationships between employee and employer without the intimidation about pursuing such rights.

I'm still at a place where I have a lot to learn and develop about my perspective towards government oriented community organizing versus locally oriented community development. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be in this position, learning so much and able to practice so much of what I'm learning.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement...please keep it coming! I'm looking forward to working with the local faith community later in the summer, which gives me a bit more time to study and ground myself in truth, but I would appreciate prayer for continued strength and endurance through new circumstances and the homesickness that will inevitably come. I'm going to try out a church this sunday, called Missio Dei (they're just everywhere!) and I'm hopeful about finding a fantastically gospel oriented community to worship with this summer.

One last thing...I started another blog to document my summer in photos for the summer. check it out!

oh! good news, the rain has stopped - and that staff guy with lots of questions, Paul...be praying for him, alright? He just came over and asked me if he could come to church with me next week. God is just so good!

Day Two

2009-06-11T01:57:00.000-05:00

Day one was real long and real tiring and has sort of melded into day two. So here's an update:

It's wicked hot here. Like 98 degrees with humidity that wraps up your whole body and even your eyeballs
The Tulane campus is absolutely gorgeous, with open courtyards everywhere and fantastic buildings with walls of windows to take in all the green! (note: I can't quite shake the colorado/chicago mindset and my first thought about our outdoor hallway dorms was how they keep the snow out in the winter...)
Everyone stays cool with 'air' (aka AC) turned down to roughly 37 degrees
We spend our time in a room with this freezing air doing our training from about 9am until 9pm - learning great things like how to equally distribute oranges (read: what is power) and express the inherent dignity and worth of workers to the faith communities near our sites
My crash course in southern speaking: "Honey" and "Sugar" are ways of greeting strangers you've never met and must be tacked onto the beginning and possibly the end of any question: "Shuga, what can I help you with today honey?"
Cockroaches live in the south. Apparently it's not a sign of being somewhere dirty, just a clue that you're still in the south and you're still five feet below sea level. I'm just glad my bed is lofted.
Internet doesn't reach into our dorms. We all reconvene about 15 minutes after out last session to sit in the dark in the courtyard with the mosquitos and roaches to feed our addictions to facebook, email, and the like

So those are some things I'm doing. Outwardly.

Inwardly, I'm a mess. And I don't have any clever jokes or comments about it, not yet at least.

But I am being refined. I know I am, I must be. I am struggling harder than I have in a long time; and I had thought that I had a rough past 6 months.

I've found myself in a community different from any other I've encountered before. I'm not among people of no faith - nearly all my fellow interns claim some sort of religious affiliation from Islam to Judaism to Christianity and a whole gamut of expressions in-between - but I'm also not among people who know and honor the same God that I do. I'm with this motley crew of people who've signed on to bring justice through interfaith interactions. The problem is, I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible, and more importantly, if it's a biblical or God-honoring pursuit.

Today was particularly difficult but also frighteningly revealing. We had a few sessions about the philosophy of things like work, faith, and power. After much initial frustration, I realized that the basic terms we were all using have much different meaning in this context and conversation than in the conversations I have with friends at church and school. Our speaker today was a bit irritated with me for not agreeing that all truth is relative and constantly being transformed by experience. Well, probably not so much irritated with my disagreement but my challenging his worldview. I could go into so much detail about the nuances of our conversation and the philosophies of an understanding of truth that is not constant, but it's late and I get to wake up to more of it just a few short hours! BUT - I would love to discuss this more, so if you have any insight or thoughts or just a little compassion on my already burnt out soul, call me! I'd love to chat it up a bit.

Anyway, I am struggling with how I can express to my fellow workers how my understanding of grace and salvation permeates everything I do - especially the way I pursue justice for the oppressed - when it is to them, almost a non-issue. I read through much of romans last night (it's incredible how my apathy towards soaking up scripture is absolutely gone and I'm craving and dependent on time in the word!) and was reminded again of the beauty of this relationship we've been grafted into by the grace of God, and how such truth provides new life and purpose. God's been so gracious in giving me opportunities to express my love for him through relationship building today: in conversations with my roommates, and through the excitement of shared passions for social justice concerns, and even in silly laughter over newly formed inside jokes. I'm so thankful to be rooted in Truth, especially when I can feel the yearning for absolutes among my fellow workers and supervisors. It really is amazing to be reminded of the brilliance of light in a dark room.

So this is my dark room. And this is day two. I still have 8 days until I'm officially on the job.

Please pray for increased endurance and stamina to continue engaging in conversations where God's truth is challenged. My brain is tired of 12 hours of constant confrontation, and I'm trying to somehow start developing my own framework for how I'm going to continue engaging these issues and this community all summer in my work. I know the God I serve is doing greater things than I can see, and I'm clinging to his promises. It's certainly humbling to realize that the powers of spiritual warfare are so much stronger than I am alone, and that I must equip myself with truth, arm myself with scripture, and look intently and unwaveringly at the God of my salvation.

Oh my foolish lips that said just three days ago that I was 'ready' to finally be used in doing God's work and bringing his truth and justice to his world. How much I have to learn, and how gracious God is to use me now anyway!

airports

2009-06-09T05:55:00.000-05:00

Airports smell weird early in the morning.

It's 4:55 am. I'm finally on my way!

On Faith, Hope, and Love

2009-06-07T23:53:00.000-05:00

Mark Bates preached an incredible sermon today about God's faithfulness. We're studying genesis this year and have been looking at Abram's relationship with God - specifically his faith.

First, Abram has faith in the promises of God. He trusts God will come through on his promise of land and children that number greater than the stars - even when both seem terribly improbable
Then we see faith results in virtue. We're able to endure hardship, sacrifice for others, and serve with humility - not as a means of winning God's favor but because God's promise is better than the best I can imagine!

One of the greatest images he gave us today was that of hands: grasping hands show a lack of faith, whereas open hands show trust and hope in God's promises. We hoard what we believe we need or think we deserve because we just can't believe God will really provide for us as he says he will - grasping hands. Or, we can choose to trust, living with hands extended towards God's faithfulness.

I'm not desperate, I'm blessed. I can live in the margins. How fantastic is that!

In our college group, we rehashed a bit of the sermon and tried to discern between these three words: faith, hope, and love. We so often interchange them, pair them together, and use them to define the others without really understanding what they mean in the christian life.

Here's what we came up with:

Faith - belief in the past and future spoken word of God
Hope - oriented towards the future goodness of God, making the promises of God personal
Love - a present tense outward expression enabled by hope in God's promises

I can live in the difficult margins of life on this earth because of these three: I know God's words are true, I have hope in their fulfillment and see them actualized even now, and I canto pour out love with joy because I am so enabled by such goodness and godliness!

I'm so so so blessed to have such solid teaching and incredible fellowship in this community at V7. Today truly felt like a commissioning for my summer: after such an exhortation to live simply and radically in light of God's enormous faithfulness to me and the sweet offers of prayers for my internship, my obedience, and my ability to love others this summer, I know I experienced another glimmer of restored and redeemed community!

So I'm feeling ready to charge forward with this summer. I had the most wonderful conversation with my host family tonight and I can't wait to meet them in just a week! Oh! And my Maine address (for those of you who've been asking) is: 11 Merriam St Portland, ME 04103.

Let me leave you with a verse from the hymn All for Jesus - we sang it today and the simple and familiar words really challenged me to live with open hands.

Since my eyes were fixed on Jesus, I lost sight of all beside

so enchained my sprit's vision, looking at the crucified.

What sweetness to look only upon Christ, our savior, my Jesus!

To Hell with Human Trafficking

2009-06-04T19:36:00.000-05:00

An interesting title?

It caught my attention.

It was the title of an article published on Sojouners today. The link arrived in my inbox today at 1:09pm and I promptly clicked it (to remove the annoying bold type of new messages) and closed my email window. I was too busy reading other blogs, a great book, editing my resume, and planning my weekend to be interrupted with Sojo's daily news.

5:42pm. After a little aim chatting with Kendra about her week at camp and my less exciting week at home, she sends me the link to the same article. So I read the first sentence, let out a highly refined "WOOOOO" (via aim of course), and continue chatting about blogs and weekend plans.

5:54. I sit down to read the article. I'm inspired, excited, and sort of floored to hear how much money this guy's church has raised to fight trafficking. Good grief. I'm struggling to get the 4k I need for the summer...and he pulls together 332 in donations by screening a few movies? Impressive.

Part of me is yelling with him. Where is the church? Why are we so passive in a world of such blatant injustice? When did we become these shells of people, devoid of real emotion, satisfied with clean and shiny things we can buy with a debit card?

5:56. I get a little bored, skip over the film clip, skim over the story, get to the end of the article and smile when I recognize all but one of the organizations listed. I send the link of the new organization to another tab in my safari, open it, see they're looking for interns, get a little adrenaline rush, remember I have summer plans, see a facebook link, join a cause, invite some friends, click back to the article, get annoyed by all the ads on the sides of the screen - or maybe they're not ads - but they're overwhelming, check my facebook, and close my computer.

6:06. Fix my hair, wash my face, and get ready to go out later.

6:15. Sat down outside with the twins to read more of a great book, The New Friars.

Read about Jesus being born the child of a scandalous relationship in hickville to create 'solidarity' among those he would one day serve.

Feel too privileged.

Read about Heather Coaster, missionary to poor in Bolivia, particularly women in the sex industry. Hear her struggle.

And finally, I snapped out of it. It being this disgusting state of ease - contented with my contrived goodness, my assumption that I understand and have something to offer, because after all, I'm this girl who's had opportunity in the suburbs in the wealthiest nation in the world.

Well. I don't know jack.

So this is a long quote, but it's worth reading and it more aptly captures the state of my heart that any of my words can today. She writes about our efforts and attempts to make a dent in this injustice of human trafficking.

"It's such a convenient conversation. Sure, it strikes me. I read the staggering numbers, attach the unfathomable data to a story just to make it personal, and the somatic injustice rises up in my throat or turns in my stomach or threatens to keep me from sleep. There's a reminder again that things are not the way they're supposed to be, that all is not quite right. I am bothered by a sense somewhere between restlessness and calling. So I write essays and maybe even checks and I think about writing a letter to my Senator. Over a drink I discuss the theological, social and economic roots and implications. I pride myself in being aware. I appease my social conscience, thinking that my conversations and benefit dinners are all contributing to some global solution.
"And maybe they are. God, I pray that they are. And I keep eating. I even end in dessert. I close the book, but a The End on the story, toss it all aside, pull the sheets back and climb into bed. There's not much more I can do, not tonight. And lucky for me, I don't have to. I have the unfathomable luxury of walking away, of signing off, of saying goodnight. While my conversations are coming to very neat, concise closes, she's tucking her kids in, putting her shoes on and taking the rest off. The red glow of her night is on and she's tossed from one set of dirty hands to another. There are rules in place, rules against going without protection, rules against sexual violence. But once her door is closed, the only rule is his desire. She only knows that tomorrow her kids will again be hungry, and this is the cost of her love for them. Yes, it matters today. It matters tonight, because there are still six hours until morning. And while we can afford those six hours, she cannot.
"If all I have to offer her is conversation, awareness, words, then yes, I will give the rest of my life to the talk. But it's not. It can't be. It's not all I have and it's not enough."

And so now it's 12:50am. And I need you to know I don't have the answers. But I'd rather have love than answers. Every fiber of my being revolts against the ill-logic of that sentence - love? Does love feed or rescue or equip or change social structures? But see, I so easily forget how this God of love has rescued and equipped and fed me and is graciously using me to bring his kingdom to our world by the power of his gospel.

I don't think that condemning human trafficking to hell is what God is asking me to do. I don't even think he wants me to get a lot of people really fired up about this injustice. Yep, you heard it here first. Julianne isn't on a crusade to make people angry or passionate about the great tyranny of the world.

But

God is justice. So my life is oriented towards a pursuit of justice because I am in a relationship with this God. As I love and dwell with justice, I can honor and worship God. Really, it has little to do with injustice. Injustice is a consequence of sin. Human life is a consequence of the creativity and love of a most holy and good God!

Praise God that I need not be oriented towards hell.

To heaven be glory. To earth with justice!

So long Fear.

2009-05-29T11:25:00.000-05:00

I don't typically allow my journal writing to move beyond the bindings of my great paperchase journal, but last night what I wrote ended more lyrical and less prayer, and I'd like to post it here. It's a reflection on fear.

....

I'm just about done with you.

Fear.

I don't regret losing you - you have nothing to offer

You only keep me

from the glorious unknown

with my God.

You try to fool me under the guise of

wisdom

self control

temperance

But you are folly.

You claim to be of more worth

than a life

lived in pursuit of God's will.

I'm done buying it.

To live is Christ and to die is gain

What can you possibly offer me?

I have a summer of opportunity

I am living in God's kingdom

and God has, is, and will show me

how to glorify him!

Hardship will not derail me

for what are circumstances?

My identity is in the one who

conquered

death.

This love never fails

It abides

in me.

Goodbye fear.

Here is

hope

life

joy

peace

but the greatest of these is love.

Motherhood.

2009-05-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

A week as a full time mom.

A full time single mom.

A full time single mom with four kids ages 6-17.

Granted, I didn't even have to work this week, and had few appointments or other obligations, but I have a new respect for the 10.4 million single mothers who do this every day, year in and year out. What strength and wisdom and patience they possess!

This week offered a wonderful revival and reaffirmation of my femininity. I feel rather strange using such a word to describe my not yet 20 year-old self...femininity makes me think of old women harping on the virtues of purity and submission; but I'm beginning to understand the word to represent the embrace of a biblical and countercultural call to express myself as a woman. I woke up each morning this week and knew my responsibilities for the day were centered around: caring for children, baking, cooking meals, cleaning, laundry, playing with playdoh, and running errands. How incredibly refreshing - perhaps because of the overload of coursework and responsibility at school this semester, but I am inclined to think it's more more than that. My satisfaction with a clean home, a running washing machine, and freshly baked bread is something driven from my core. I feel, somehow, more alive in doing these things than I do in all the busyness of school, the doing doing doing of meetings and research and paper writing and class and conversations and planning and everything else that seems to hijack my identity during the school year. And yet, when I'm in the thick of those things, I love them too. I love that I have a place on my campus for the things that I do, things that I'm good at, things that give me a place to serve others.

And so I find myself struggling with the balance between the two. I do find joy in living out my passions, my desire to bring real love and real change to God's world and my community. To rescue girls from the horrors of sex slavery and empower church communities to rise up and declare God's justice. I get chills just thinking about the great things God has yet to do! But I also look forward to having my own family to serve and care for in these little (and not so little) things, in being a woman who fears the Lord above all else and who longs to serve and love simply and faithfully.

I don't think I can aptly define this struggle. It's more than just waiting for the right guy to marry, and the right circumstances to have kids. It's so far removed from wanting to be the perfect soccer mom or modeling a pristine motherhood. It's about understanding that this longing for restored femininity is not only right, but it's good because I'm looking back to my unique God-given role as a woman and trying to reconcile it with what this distorted culture expects me to be.

So how do I embrace a right femininity in a culture (even my own 'contemporary and relevant' christian subculture) that says such a pursuit only creates a mass of tamed and useless doormats? How do I pursue a passionate longing for justice for those who are in bondage while passionately loving my own children and raising them to know and love the Lord? I don't think these callings are mutually exclusive, but I feel there are few visible and certainly few celebrated examples of success.

I'm so blessed to be able to look to my own mom as a role model. While we certainly differ in calling and passions, she is a strong and incredible woman of God who is faithfully raising 5 children to be grounded in their Savior, to understand the inherent value of chocolate in any good recipe, and to find simple and unqualified joy in the humor of napoleon dynamite. In many ways (particularly the last...) I'm so different from my mother, but I know that I am who I am because of her love, and her skills with laundry, and her patience through years of homework, and her pumpkin bread, and her willingness to allow me my own passions, and her wisdom and encouragement as I try and fail and try and fail at life. I know my motherhood will invariably look different from hers, but I hope that I can succeed as fruitfully as she has in raising children who can follow God's call faithfully because of her example.

I look forward to the time when God will call me to be a mother. I know it will present a whole slew of challenges and re-orientations, but it seems to be an awfully great adventure! But until that time, I'm going to keep struggling with these questions and keep pursuing a right understanding of my femininity. I know that for some, such a pursuit may seem laughable, naive, or even purposeless; but I hope that the conversations that will ensue will teach me greater humility and greater respect for the generations of women who have struggled and succeeded before me. How great is our God who allows us fellowship with our elders, and critical minds that can reel against contemporary culture and pursue something greater!

me and momma.

So please.... thoughts/wisdom/insight? What does femininity look like when it is less concerned with reacting to culture and more concerned with creating it?

itchings for courage

2009-05-17T18:19:00.000-05:00

I have missed blogging. I feel more alive when I can take and hour to journal and reflect and write and note-take and so on...and I've been so caught up in the insanity of this semester that everything has taken a backseat to homework and meetings and papers. It would be one thing to have a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction for work well done - but this semester has unfortunately been mostly endless tasks and little gratification. Nothing is more deadening than such work - which makes me wonder about the virtue of such pursuits. Is it worth working so hard to graduate early if at the expense of relationships, experiences, and real growth? As much as I love my social work study, my SJCers, our Koinonia community, my church, running, library walks...if they all become simply doing and lose value as the things which make up my life, what have I gained in doing them?

Big life questions without easy answers. But what I am learning is this: I'm just a passionate person. And I DO come to life in the doing - purposeful doing of things that serve others. In just the past month I've had the opportunity to watch a friend get passionate about our God of justice, and see it begin to transform his heart and ministry. I got to have a really candid and humbling conversation with my roommate a few weeks ago about how my proclaimed passion and actions didn't always exactly line up. I've been blessed with so many wonderful friends who have put up with my zeal and inspired me to be more me - to understand where God is leading and to be courageous in following. I even got to spend a whole sleepless week with girls who are passionate about serving our God by loving and advocating for the vulnerable. I don't deserve such friends - relationships that model true community, rooted in love and true Christ-pursuit, but I don't know how I could know God as I am coming to, without them

As odd as it is to say I'm adjusting to this transition time of life - the hauling out for 3 months only to return and pick up old friendships and begin new ones - I think I am. The last four weeks of school were the most stressful and sleepless I've ever had - but they also were some of the best times ever. I've never been as blessed

with crazy fun nights, quality people or simple joys as I have of late. This past week was full of enough memories to keep me going well into the summer (I hope!) and make me eager to return in august to find out what comes next!

Still, I hope that I don't just live for the end of this summer. I'm standing on the edge of 9 weeks of uncertainty, weeks that will be defined by what are now unknown joys and struggles. I have every confidence that God will be faithful, just as always, and I'll waste too much time fighting it, as always. It will be a journey, and I would covet your prayers and encouragement as I go along.

Perhaps I may also beseech your prayers for this week...a pre-test of my character in a week of babysitting the twins. Patience is not one of my great virtues, and as much as I love love love my family, I know this week will test all of us (except, of course, mom and dad-who will be relaxing on

some sandy beach far, far away) but I hope I can learn to love and think less of myself and more of these children who have so much life to live ahead of them! What adventure for them, and how sad to miss encouraging it due to impatience and frustration!

So for now, I'll leave you with a quote from a book called Just Courage, by Gary Haugen. I'm recommending this book to everyone I know (it truly is AMAZING) and I am feeling fairly certain that just as learning to be an imitator of God was my theme for last summer...the coming months may resonate around the theme of courage.

"Courage - the power to do the right thing even when it is scary and hard - resonates deeply with the original shape of our soul. Why this should be so, however, is not outwardly obvious. Indeed, apart from the inexplicable and indelible imprint of our Maker, it's not clear why it should matter to us that we should be brave. Why is it so beautiful to see someone do the right thing when it is hard? Why, on the other hand, should there be such shame about our cowardice? Why should it matter so much to my inner being that I do the right thing rather than the safe thing? It's a mystery. but there it is, pointing me relentlessly to the nature and delight of the One who made me."

so the sumer begins, with the mystery of courage.

home, mountains, and 10.5 lb birthday cakes

2009-03-16T17:10:00.000-05:00

I might be one of the worst bloggers ever. My posts are few and far between at best, and only mildly insightful at that. But, I blame this too busy life I've set myself up for. My new years' resolution (referring, of course, to the new school year) is to say "no" much more often with much more resolve and learn how to have unplanned, unscheduled time to just be. Honestly, it makes me kind of nervous just thinking about it...but i've got a good 6 months to psych myself up!

So, home again. It's wonderful just being with my loud, goofy family, and having Kendra here with me has been a blast! I needed a break more than I allowed myself to consider - this semester has so far lived up to it's threat as the worst period of the social work major. fun fun! On top of all the general mayhem of school, I've been:

working on settling back into a joyful, hopeful, and Christ centered singleness
getting plugged into a great bible study at my church with some wonderful older women
and another one on campus with friends
taking yoga classes
walking to the library to pick up all sorts of great books I don't have time to read
listening to lots of folksey rock via pandora
taking a few great professors out to lunch with Kendra
learning a lot about meditative prayer
falling more in love with the city
making a whole bunch of great friends
having my best laid plans get completely upset by one great and loving God
learning to love that
applying to summer internships
working on a proposal for a living/learning intentional community at Trinity for the fall

Just to name a few things. It's been, at times, completely overwhelming but also completely joyful. I'm learning so much about the tension that exists in the Christians' life - the way I can experience God through his creation, through wonderful conversations with great friends, through simple time spent in his presence...and yet the in same day, or hour, or even breath, struggle with the immensity of the world, my insignificance, selfishness, hurt, pride, or loneliness. But - I've been experiencing more of life, and certainly more of God in this tension than I have ever before. It's not the post-retreat God high, not the rededicate-my-life to-God-and-feel-free-from-all-the-crap-I've-done release, not even the guilt-driven-bible-reading-to-find-God-in-the-mess experience. It's been more of a slow, painful, deliberate growth and soul satisfying joy that comes like a quiet sunrise - exposing what's been long in the dark but offering new hope for the light.

Today Kendra and I went hiking in cheyenne canyon on a great hiking trail that I remember from family hikes a few years ago and rappelling adventures during high school. We came to the rock formation that we had rappelled down and climbed up it to eat our lunch - it was a pretty exhausting little jaunt to get up there, but the view was gorgeous! We could see for miles, taking in the beauty of an almost-spring march day in the foothills of the great rockies. After a little while, we decided to continue on the trail, eventually getting past the farthest point I've ever hiked to, where the terrain got much steeper and much more challenging. Suddenly the sun felt much warmer than the 68 degrees the day was forecasted for, the path seemed endlessly twisted, and the summit was nowhere in site. But we trudged on, too out of breath to talk (darn altitude...and my out of shapeness).

I had plenty of time to think and talk with God, and he had plenty to share with me in those hours of sweaty toil on the dusty trail. I began to get some perspective on how I view so many things in life just as I was viewing this hike. Instead of simply enjoying the hike as a hike, taking in the spectacular views, enjoying the beautiful weather - I was intent only up on getting to the end of the switchbacks, reaching the summit, finding the finish point, .

Not that goals are a bad thing, I love goals, they keep me focused and motivated to accomplish the things I set out to do. However, when the goal becomes paramount and the wandering that gets me there is not only less important but actually annoying - I think I'm missing something. I've lost the right perspective. Yet this is how I view much of life - thinking about what God will do 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 years from now but entirely missing out on the joy and growth to be had right now. I need to remember that I can't possibly achieve any future goals if I'm lost in the life I have now.

I'm curious as to how others handle this struggle. I don't think the struggle is bad, or that I can ultimately "conquer" it. But finding the balance is what spurs me on. How do you react to this tension?

Speaking of instant gratification, enter: Linda's Fudge Cake...10.5 lbs

of decadent chocolate goodness. Ben's birthday was Friday night and we picked up this terrible confection at the Cheesecake factory. One slice will nearly cover your daily caloric and carb intake, and the fat and sugar quantities make a McDonalds Big Mac, large fry and a coke look like rabbit food. Ben and Nate both tried to force a slice down...to no avail. Perhaps we're not struggling with goals in the same way right now...

I'll try to post again before mid April...by then spring will be in full force!

Joy Joy Joy

2009-02-12T14:02:00.000-06:00

The past few days have been for me, full of unspeakable joy. Deeply rooted and life giving, this joy has transformed my heart, satisfied my soul, filled me with praise, and moved my hands and mouth to offer this joy to those around me. How fantastic to be doubly blessed by joy - in first receiving it, and then offering it to others and watching them be transformed by the wonder of the gospel - which is what I believe true joy is inspired by!

How wonderful that our God would allow us to love and engage in community with his beloved! He's taking a risk with us, for we are too easily blinded by our sin and shallowness, ignorant to the true beauty and wonder of creation, we're too often misguided, choosing to follow the world rather than that which is of God. Yet he allows us the capacity to love and love richly. He has established his love and image within us, and simply (or perhaps not so simply) called us to live with lives transformed.

My devotional for today put it this way: God meets us in deep, inward places, but he always leads us outward. His Spirit does not invade our being to remain hidden. We are the display of His glory, not its best-kept secret.

This idea challenges me to live radically outwardly, not for myself, not even for others, but first and foremost for the glory of the Lord. Then, believing that this living Spirit of God transforms, I can hear what he calls me to do, and act upon it.

The devotion went on to say : The one who realizes this - who has meditated on the life and law of God inscribed upon his heart - will be firmly established. He will be like a tree planted by streams of water. And there will be fruit. There's no doubt about it: When the season is right, fruit will come, and the fruit will be good. Why? Because there is an infinitely rich, ever-flowing stream of water that nourishes this tree. It is not a tree that establishes itself; it is planted and tended by the living God.

So be joyous - for you are rooted and established in the unchanging and holy holy God, who is love.

and read psalm 1.

My friends may you grow in Grace

2009-02-06T11:11:00.000-06:00

My friends may you grow in grace

and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior

My friends may you grow in grace

and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ

To God be the Glory!

Now and forever!

Now and forever, amen

To God be the Glory

Now and forever

Now and forever Amen.

We sang this today in chapel, holding hands and raising them to our savior - the one who has saved us and allowed us to love one another and join in community. What a blessing!

The message was about the nature of ministry as a relational activity. It requires sharing in life with one another, experiencing highs and lows, growing in love and patience and humility. Is this not the life to which we were called in Christ Jesus?

Living life together is community. Reading news blurbs, facebook status', even blogs - that isn't community. It may help inspire community, it may rekindle community, but it can never replace it. So how do we pursue this community? This is the question on my heart, but I am finding answers in the littlest things - smiles and calling people by name on my way to class, shared meals in the caf, and yes, even in facebook messages of encouragement. I'm learning - and it's joyful.

My friends, may you grow in grace. May you live community, bringing glory to our God and Father by living alongside one another. Experience life, and live it fully.

"I came that they might have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." john 10:10-11

about that gospel...

2009-02-04T15:53:00.000-06:00

The past month has been one of the hardest I've experienced - perhaps thus far in my life. I've filled pages and pages of my journal trying to process all that has happened, made countless phone calls to my mom, spent late nights processing life with friends far and near, and hours in the dark stillness wrestling with God.

What do I have to show for it? It's an interesting question, one that I feel I'm only now finally able to begin to ask, as I feel more and more removed from the conflict and hurt that was so consuming a few weeks ago. I'm finding that for the first time in a long time that I'm so far out of my element and I've been so changed by the circumstances around me, that I feel lost - uncertain of who I am and why. Let me tell you, Julianne doesn't struggle with identity issues. She's that strong one, the one who knows her place, her gifts, her abilities, her convictions. She wouldn't, no, couldn't struggle with identity. Right? Well, I'm learning a lesson in humility to say the least. Vulnerability, even when exploited, requires humility in order to be restored.

Still, even in these moments of identity crisis, I also have felt an overwhelming (and I mean that in the fullest sense of the word) peace and assurance of whose I am, and my value in Christ. It's illogical. How could such peace possibly exist in a soul so wracked with turmoil? I think it simply comes down to the supernatural work of a holy God. But let me explain more fully:

I like to be independent (to a fault) - to make my own choices and confront and fix things in my life that go awry. I love restoration and peace and reconciliation in community. I love those things even more now that I see a biblical call to relational justice. So what's a girl to do when she is so intent on following God's call upon her heart only to see it pan out into disorder and humility and hurt and frustration?

Praise God for the peace he brings upon our hearts when we seek him fully and trust upon his promises! Without that peace, I don't know how I could endure the scoffing and hatred of men. It reminds me again of the wisdom of Bill Tell, who, at the rate I quote him, should have a few books published by now. Bill spoke last winter about how the sin of others profoundly affects us. Others' wounds will hurt us simply as a consequence of the reality of sin. But what is so glorious is that we need only to fall into the assurance of God's unending love for us and root ourselves in Him for our sense of self, and then those wounds and hurts, though still felt, don't have a power over us anymore! What mystery!

I have learned more fully and deeply what the gospel truly is, and what it means to be willing to be hated for the sake of its message. I've experienced, for the first time, rejection because of love - a pure and holy and righteous love given to me by God to be given to others. It was mocked and scoffed, and that shook me to the core. But at the end of my rope, when I'm alone and confused and dehumanized, that gospel love rings even truer and louder and stronger in my life. That supernatural peace is greater than before, the wisdom is richer and revealed more fully, the hope shines brighter, and the ability to love is more enduring. Oh that such goodness comes from such sin and ugliness!

I praise my God for his faithfulness, that though it may not be well with my circumstances, it can be well with my soul - a soul crafted by God and residing in a body reflecting the glory of this holy holy God.

I've found great solace in the psalms lately, and I'd like to end with some real wisdom, for my words are but a fleeting expression of God's hand, but his words are enduring, abiding, and living. Be refreshed.

Psalm 19:7-9

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul

The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple

The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart

The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes

The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever

The rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether

Reviving, making wise, rejoicing - all doing words. Our God is a doing God. A God of love and work in our lives, redeeming us and sanctifying us, calling us into greater depths of understanding of his glory. How will I respond? My prayer echos David's:

"Let the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. " (19:14)

amen?

oh to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be!

2009-01-11T21:08:00.001-06:00

Well, again, it's been ages since I last wrote. I'd apologize, but I know it's likely to continue to be the trend, so I hope I can simply offer some thoughtful words and enjoy this brief break in my oh so busy school life!

I enjoyed a wonderful Christmas at home, spending a week with JR who was visiting from IL, and then after christmas a whole week with the Boardmans. It's incredibly weird to be home without really living there anymore, but it's also a blessing to finally feel that I have two "homes". Still, I love those mountains and it's killing me that I didn't even get to touch the slopes!

Since being back at school I've been taking a class on Christian Community. It's two weeks long and involves a lot of field trips to Chicagoland area church communities. I've absolutely loved it! We're studying different models of intentional christian communities (think acts 2 models...) and it's certainly given me lots to think about. Monday we'll visit a mennonite based community where everyone lives in the same home and pools all resources, and I'm sure that'll be an experience! We're going for a tour and q&a and then to a community pot luck with them!

It's been raising some questions for me about how I live out my faith in my relationships, both with the friends I choose, as well as the neighbors/colleagues/peers that God has placed in my life, and even considering where I will live when I begin a life outside of school. Will I have the courage to trust God's leading me to the community where he wants me to serve, or will I choose comfort and security, or perhaps try to mix the two? It's a messy and tough topic to struggle through.

One of our reading assignments is from a book called With Justice for All by John Perkins. He's a pioneer in the world of Christian Community Development, and focuses especially on racial reconciliation within the church body. I would recommend checking this one out...even if just to read the last half where he outlines some practical approaches to dealing with the staggering reality of poverty in our country and how the bible instructs us to respond. I appreciate that his ideas aren't simply idealistic, but rather engage the church in intelligent, ethical, God honoring conversations and movements toward a redeeming of God's creation. It's been a refreshing read to say the least!

........

Apart from this class, God has been working on this grace thing with me again. While home, I had the pleasure of listening to Bill Tell teach on the subject again, only this term we focused on grace based v. law based Christians. It was fascinating and startling to realize how much of my relationship with Christ has been based upon the law - doing good works and striving for deeds to compensate for my sin rather than embracing relationship rooted in the grace and love of salvation.

here's the list:

law based v. grace based

~keep the law v. fulfill the law (live by the spirit and produce

fruit

~change who they are v. focus on maturity

~live in guilt because of sin v. live in freedom from sin

~intimacy with father is based on behavior v. intimacy with father is based on Christ's life, death, and resurrection

~focus on pleasing God v. focus on trusting God

~fear v. peace

~transparent v. vulnerable

~victory over sin v. victory from sin

~manage/control sin v. power of sin is broken

~sinlessness v. blamelessness

This last idea, of sinlessness v blamelessness, has hit me the hardest. I have been battling my sin so hard lately, trying without success to purge it from my life. It was not only not working, but taking a toll on my soul, and my faith that God is who he claims to be. Thankfully God is God, and knows just how to prick and prepare my heart to receive his truth.

I'm finally finding freedom in Christ and joy in his salvation. My sin no longer defines who I am, and when I sin, it is a consequence of my flesh and not an indication of my standing before God. Galatians 2:20 has been my theme this week, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in my. And this life I live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me!"

What unspeakable JOY fills me when I simply revel in this love! God loves me, and gave himself up for me that I might know his love. When I sin, and I do sin so often, I no longer have to exhaust myself trying to justify my sin and shortcomings. I can see now how much I did this not only with myself and with God, but even before friends and family, wanting them to love me based not on who I was created to be, but based on what I could do. How miserable to live with such a burden!

I am Julianne, a sinner, saved by a mighty God who loved me and created me to be in a right relationship with him, even making a way to conquer my sin so that I can live in victory and know my Creator more. I finally understand Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Sin has no hold on me, and so I can look it square in the eye and encounter it as a means of growing in God's grace for me.

how wonderful!

What a summer.

2008-08-05T02:00:00.000-05:00

Summer has arrived! The snow is almost melted from the top of the peak, my classes have finally finished and I go back to school in ... 14 days. Where has the summer gone? Well, I thought I'd recap it, what I can remember at least, before any more of it slips away! I've been so blessed to be challenged in my faith ... and my patience, trust and prioritizing abilities more than I ever imagined.

So May:
I got home and interviewed for a few nanny jobs, and then headed out to Louisville, KY for the New Attitude 2008 conference. My layovers in Ohare were the toughest I've ever endured, not for the length ( I think it was maybe two hours), but for being so close to school and not able to go "home"! Still, despite the "homesickness", I was more than ready to encounter my Savior in a new way, to be challenged and stretched and grown by some incredible teaching. Well, wow, boy was I ever challenged. I don't belong to a Sovereign Grace Church, which is the denomination that hosts this conference, and while I met other kids like me, we were certainly the minority. Lisa Anderson, host of the Boundless podcast and a member of good old V7, calls Sovereign Grace the "charismatic calvinists", a title i think is quite apt to describe their particular "brand" of worship! It truly was a remarkable experience, ageless hymns and other doctrinally sound and scripturally truthful songs paired with everything from a full string orchestra to acoustic sets to an audience assembled choir to a full band. It was a joyous time of communion with our God, and once I learned to loosen up a bit, I so enjoyed simply and deliberately bowing low before my God, dwelling on his divine and wonderful nature. Anyway, I could talk for hours simply about the worship, but that would be a poor use of both words and time that would be better spent in actual worship! Suffice to say, I have a new understanding of worship and community, and have been attempting to take full advantage of every opportunity to worship, especially corporately. Even as I type this I can't keep the smile out of the corners of my mouth, just remembering the spontaneous conversations and chats with other attendees. Even in the Louisville airport on my way home, one of the violinists was playing several worship songs in the terminal, while those of us flying home enjoyed that last "bond" and encouragement before returning to our respective lives. The conference itself was actually about the Bible, how to study it, why we need to, what life-changing implications this book has in our lives, and much more. I could quite seriously talk your ear off about all that I learned from those sessions, but I would much prefer to have an actual conversation with you about them! So I encourage you to download the messages for free from the New Attitude site: http://www.newattitude.org/conference. I think C.J. Mahaney's messages had the most impact on my heart; but listen to them. It's time well spent. This conference transformed my perspective on scripture, and I've been blessed by an enduring desire to be in the word, soaking it up. Though, to be honest...I'm still very human, and my read through the bible program has only gotten through numbers thus far...a work in progress. :)

Phew. May was only a week and a half, but busy. I also turned 19! Not that eventful, but, as my friend peter pointed out tonight, 19 is almost 20, and 20 is almost a 1/4 of my life. So strange. And to think that the next 20 can be used to do more spiritual and mental and relational growing...rather than the not quite 5 and half feet of physical growth that the first 19 produced. haha. I'm excited for it.

But moving right along to June.
June brought the start to many things:

Classes. In hindsight, I can say they weren't that bad, taking only two classes (american government and chemistry) is much much easier than taking 7 like spring semester. But, it wasn't the most fun way to spend a summer. Still, I'm incredibly thankful to be able to get these done and as of last thursday...have chopped off an entire year of school! woohoo!
Work. Likely the more stressful aspect of the summer, the first few weeks of this nanny job were pretty rotten. Three and half year old Brayden has a pretty poor temper and some not so great discipline from his parents. But we've gotten into a groove, I learned to wear the kid out in the mornings and enjoy a few quiet hours in the afternoon to clean up the mess! His little sister Allie is an absolute joy, I'm going to miss that sweet girl. I've learned that I am quite capable of caring for children, but that I mostly just want to pour all that love and time and attention into my own children...of which I plan to have plenty! Perhaps the most sobering part of this job is the reality that while I've had the opportunity to love on these kids this short summer, it may be the first and last real interaction they have with a follower of Christ. Now, I certainly trust that God will work in these kids lives exactly as he wills, regardless of what seems likely or probable to me, but I still ache for these kids to know the love of a home that walks with the Lord.
ESL. My mom and I have been helping out as "teachers" at an English as a Second Language class at our church on wednesdays. I had no idea what to expect going into it. But it has been an incredible experience, and I feel as though I've learned way more than I've taught! I've been working with a woman named Agnes who is from the Congo, and immigrated here just a few months ago. There are two other women, Gothebetta and Donatta, women who I admire so much. They are absolutely remarkable, only a few years older than me, but raising children here, in a strange and foreign nation, trying to learn the language and customs, after leaving a war torn home and loved ones. It has been an incredible privilege to be able to serve these women in such a small way, to get to love on their children and once again feel a sense of assuredness that this kind of work is precisely what God has purposed me for. It is a wonderful feeling.
Vertigo. Just many more bouts with this lovely beast. It really is remarkable how our bodies can work so perfectly so much of the time, and then, by some unseen force, completely debilitate us. While I don't enjoy those days of dizziness and nausea, bed bound and helpless to remedy it, I am learning to trust God in entirely new ways because of it; and to value so much the ability to do simple things, and wonder that even my awkward and short and bulky frame has been able to run so many miles in the past 4 years, and even throughout my life to this point. I would appreciate your prayers for a discovery of the cause of the vertigo, but I'm thankful that so far, MRI's and x-rays haven't turned up anything serious. I will continue to trust God and praise him for each day.

Other than that, nothing too much happened in June. I got to catch up with a number of high school friends and that was both strange and wonderful. It's fascinating how much change can happen (or not happen) in one short school year! I hope that I will continue to find myself changed and grown when I come to evaluating points in life. Still, I also long in part for that sense of "balance", and idea that Mike Yaconelli is quite opposed to in his book "messy spirituality", which Kendra and I have been reading for the last few months. It's a really good read, but one of his points is that as Christians, we shouldn't be aiming for "balance", the idea of contentedness with our comfortable lives, not relying solely on Christ. I still don't know how I really feel about that.

Maybe it is just my sin nature, but there is a part of me that yearns for the day when i'll have my own family, a husband to cook for and share my life with, kids to look after and love on and raise, a somewhat stable job (be that serving as a volunteer or as employment) where I can use my gifts and passions to serve others. I so long for that sense of stability. I'm sure with it will come the temptation to be complacent. But I desire it nonetheless. What do you think?

Well, it's midnight, and I only got through June. Part two will be coming soon!

MRI musings

2008-07-23T17:05:00.000-05:00

Today I had an MRI to hopefully offer some explanations about the vertigo and back pain I've had since early february of this year. I'm thankful to have found a doctor who seems confidant that we'll not only figure out what's going on, but be able to fix it soon. Still, I have certainly had moments these past two weeks waiting for this scan, wondering what on earth could be hiding inside my brain. And then, the overanalyzing and freaking out follows. I've spent sleepless nights in nightmarish uncertainty, "watching" my hopes and dreams for my future career, family, etc, fall apart in this looming uncertainty.

The past week has been absolutely swamped with work, homework, studying and classes, and I suppose I haven't had much time to dwell on (more like conjure up) uncertainty. But last night it hit hard again, and after praying with mom and dad, and another hour lying in bed, I managed to fall asleep. Today at the appointment, I was relatively free of nervousness, and as I sat down in the waiting room to read, this old man started to talk to me. It turns out he was a believer, (as was the receptionist, a tall man in his 30s who was rocking out hardcore behind the glass window to some chris tomlin! haha), and had learned a few weeks ago that he had cancer in his leg in a large tumor. And my heart went out to this guy, he said "I'm 72 and I've lived long enough to know this was coming", but I can't imagine going at it alone, even after a long full life.

Anyway, once I was situated on the MRI scanner, I realized I would have 30 minutes of uninterrupted time with which to do nothing but have the impulse to itch my face or claw my way out of that tube. So, instead, I took the opportunity to have some uninterrupted time with my God. To confess to him more of my fears about this whole situation and to then reflect on all that has transpired this summer, to lift up friends and family in prayer, and to thank him for his faithfulness to me, despite my less than passionate pursuit of his glory these last few weeks. I realized that I have perhaps every human right to be nervous, anxious and worried about this whole situation. But I am not merely human. I have the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in me, the very real and very living God alive in my flesh.

So as I was slapped upside the head with this reality (although it's something that I seem to be re-learning nearly every week), I was also reminded that not only does God hold all things in his power, but he has purposed me for the exact place that I'm at. And regardless of what they find, or don't find in this scan; and regardless of if my life continues for 80 more years or 8 more minutes, I have been called to a specific task today. And tomorrow. And next week. And all my worrying and anxiety about the future completely disregards my true purpose on earth, to glorify God by living wholly for him. That includes this trial, and this chemistry class, and the tough navigation of relationships with old friends.

And at this point I was starting to cry, but it turns out tears are incredibly itchy. And I figured the lab tech might get a little worried if I started sobbing uncontrollably during the procedure, so I just started to pray. It was probably the best and most effective medical procedure I've ever undergone, because regardless of what they find in my head, I know I found something in my heart and God was able to tweak it even then and there...no appointment required! ha. cheesy, but true.

On the drive home, I was flipping radio stations and heard this snippet of a sermon by, I think, Alistair Begg. He asked his audience, "How much of your life is characterized by strenuous spiritual preparation?" He then explained how in his own life, he spends at least 45 minutes 4 times a week running on a treadmill just to keep his "trousers fitting properly". He lamented that he doesn't spend near that amount of time keeping his relationship with God properly on track. He pointed to paul's letter to Timothy, where in chapter 4 verses 6-16, Paul exhorts timothy with many "doing" words: train yourself for godliness, toil and strive, command and teach, set an example, devote yourself to public reading of scripture, watch yourself, persist, etc.

Pursuit of God is not only the only truly fulfilling use of time humans are able to engage in, but is a command all throughout scripture. As I've been reading through Numbers this week I've been reminded of the perfection and devotion that our holy and righteous God requires.

I agree with many christian commentators that the church today is "soft", we don't deal with hard issues because they require an uncomfortable encounter with our pride and sin. We're content to know a little about scripture and know some big God-words, rather than to experience God's word revealed every moment of our lives.

I thirst for that passion, for those encounters. I pray that God would continue to reveal to me ways in which I am covering over my sin and even rejoicing in it rather than in my Maker. I hope that you would have the courage to call me on my sin when you see it, and I'm sure you will, knowing that I long to encounter Christ and depend on you, my friends to push me further into this great humility and love.

I am praying for you, and would love to know how I can be an encourager and help you stay accountable to pursuing this holy and wondrous God we serve!

with love,
Julianne

This is my story.

2008-07-17T00:34:00.000-05:00

I realize it's been a very very long time since i've last posted anything. But this summer has been a flurry of activity beginning with an AMAZING conference in Louisville (which I still owe you an email about shan! sorry!), and now with working as a nanny and in class, I hardly have time to think and keep my own journaling. But I will do a summer recap sometime in the near future!

Anyway, I'm finally, by God's grace, and through the love and care of many good friends and my family, beginning to be able to articulate this doubt that immobilizes me, not only in my insecurities, but also in serving and loving others. I was reminded tonight, again, the selfishness of this doubt. Tonight I had the joy of talking with several good friends, after working a well paying job and spending the morning using the opportunity to be earning extra credit hours, and, I have a loving family to come home to and, hey, even now, the ability to use the internet to communicate with those I love who are so far off. And yet I was wallowing in my doubt about all of those things, about my "lovability", or lack thereof.

How could I possibly doubt that I have worth and purpose? I mean really? In a way that is so consuming and immobilizing?

Well, I think the answer, at least for me, is selfishness. Aka: sin.

It's about twelve zillion times easier to just wallow in my "unlovable" qualities, than to recognize them as no good and work on them!

How I praise my faithful God for his gentle reminder of my hard and selfish heart. Tonight, I was doing dishes, with a poor attitude about that particular chore, and mostly wallowing in insecurities about my future, job, love life, faith life, passion for social work, etc etc, when I hear Gabe crying in his room. And I have to be honest. I was annoyed. I wanted to finish the dishes and get to bed. And so the first few times I just yelled in his direction to be quiet and go to sleep. And he persisted. And I got more impatient. Wondering why no one else could go take care of this whiny child - I was busy!
When I finally went to see what was going on, I find Gabe, looking so small and tired sitting on the end of his bed, eyes bloodshot, face pale and stuffed up with a bad cold. He couldn't sleep because he couldn't breathe. The amazing thing? God allows me to love him. Despite me spending extra time bolstering up those "unlovable qualities". He allowed me to show Gabe compassionate love and understanding. Characteristics that God himself has championed!.

So as I journaled tonight I was reminded of the old hymn Blessed Assurance. Which invariably makes me think of my Grandpa, and his love for old hymns. And the way he would often end them with a quivering lip and tears on his old wrinkled carved face, but sing with such conviction and feeling and certainty. And so tonight as I remember the familiar words and their truth, I would like to say: this is my story. My song, and my purpose, to simply love my savior all day long. I am filled with his goodness and lost in his love. I am far from perfect. I am impatient, prideful, jealous, selfish, doubting and unloving. YET, Christ has chosen me to save, and God has called me his daughter.

O What Blessed Assurance!

gorgeous days

2008-06-07T15:24:00.000-05:00

Today is a perfect day. Warm, but not uncomfortable so, breezy, clear enough to see down to new mexico. Just perfect.

I get to nanny for a family that lives out in black Forest, on 5 acres, so being outside is kind of like camping. No traffic, no noise apart from the wind in the pine trees and birds in their branches. Well that and the little boy I watch making really accurate and loud truck noises as he rides his "jeep" around the property. It is a fun job, and I'm incredibly blessed to get to take care of him and his 10 month old sister!

The boys (Ben, Nathan and Dad) left yesterday for their missions trip to Mexico, leaving our house relatively quiet and empty for the next week! I'm sure they would appreciate your prayers as they minister to kids at an orphanage, helping with games and crafts and with some building projects. I can't wait to see how this trip will challenge Ben and Nathan, pushing them pretty well out of their comfort zones and into some pretty awesome fellowship with the other kids. I mean, who doesn't love the end of missions trips, the 24 hr bus ride, endless inside jokes and convenience store induced sugar comas!

So that leaves me, Mom and the twins at home all week. Mom and I got to watch 27 dresses last night (which, to be honest..is not my favorite flick), with the lovely background of gabe's wailing about a fly in his room. They're quite deadly to 5 year olds, it would seem. Amazingly, he eventually fell asleep, and mom managed to stay awake through the entire movie!

I don't know if it's just that I've been gone all year, and so the things the twins do and say is so absurd and funny, or if they truly are improving with age. I suppose only time will tell. Today I came upstairs and immediately the two of them scatter from their twin-plotting pow-wow, but gabe is slowed as he tries to shove a dollar bill in his mouth. Yes. A dollar bill. But it gets better. I told him to spit it out...and in the process he also produces a dime, quarter, zipper pull, key ring and penny.

This kid is truly remarkable. The hardest part is to continue to act upset with him for misbehaving, no small feat when you're utterly in awe at the kid's abilities. I pretty much cannot make eye contact with my mom anymore or we both burst out laughing...
He and abby make a good pair, and what she lacks in physical antics, she more than makes up for verbally. A snapshot of getting abby ready for bed:
me- "abby let's brush your teeth"
her - "okjulieareyougoingtousemytoothbrushwiththebarbieprincessonitandmyfavoritetoothpastethatmommyboughtmeatthestoreittasteslikestrawberriesbutiusedtohaveanotherkinddoyouknowwhereitis?"
me - "no" *shoves in toothbrush*
abby (while teeth are being brushed) "okbutiknowwestillhaveitprobablyitsinthedrawer,isn'tthatfunnyjulieit'sinthedrawerbutmyhannahmontanamileycyruscupisonthecountersoicanusethatwheni'mdonebrushingmyteeth"
me - "yeah, ok. spit. ok. get in bed. night!"

phew. it's a workout just recounting her verbal onslaught.

Still, I'm thankful that i'm settling into a routine here at home, able to enjoy my family and relax at home, but still be able to do school and work. God has blessed me so much with really wonderful friends both far and near, a loving family, and unending grace. I'm really looking forward to what the summer will hold, still very much excited about getting back to school, but I can't wait to be able to look back on these months and see the hand of God working in all of our lives.

I'm trying to take a few minutes to really reflect on that everyday. What a shame it would be to miss anything!

Oh Home

2008-05-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

I know that i've sort of overwhelmed my family with my being home. None of us can really figure out what exactly I'm doing here, or what to do with me for the rest of the summer, but it's a work in progress, and certainly not without humorous moments. Last night for example, I enjoyed a barrage of goodwill gifts as part of a joyous birthday celebration including: a large painted doll/clown figurine which is now serving as a scarecrow in our garden, a chess trophy reminiscent of a character from monty python, and a christmas record. And this is how I know my family loves me! I'm worth roughly 6 dollars in used goods.

Still, I have to give the prize to Gabe for his reaction to Ben's putting him in timeout today. Here's a quick recap of what all was said, hopefully it will give you a glimpse into the pleasant insanity of my home!

So, Gabe is in time out for 5 minutes. The timer goes off and ben asks him what he did and if he was ready to apologize

Gabe: But Time out is over
Ben: Tell me what you did
G: but i'm done, i need to go.
B: Sorry, you need to apologize. Tell me what you did wrong
G: I don't know
B: You don't know? Do you need more time to remember?
G: No
B: Then please tell me what you did.
G: I don't know
B: Maybe you should sit back down and think about it.
G: *pause* Ummmm, did i hit you?
B: No
G: Did I kick you?
B: No
G: Did I say I hate you?
B: Yes
G: Can i go now?
B: No, you need to apologize
G: Sorry Ben.
B: Are you just saying that so you can go, or are you really sorry?
G: Um, I just want to go now. Ok?

Oh to be 5 again. Also, this morning he came out of his room singing "london bridges falling down, let's all praise him". He's a creative kid, I'll give him that.

If anyone has any great tips for adjusting a whole family back to normalcy with a returned college kid...please, share your wisdom! Until then, we'll just continue on in our near insanity, which would seem to be all we know!

What about Grace?

2008-02-10T11:28:00.000-06:00

What is it about Grace? This question, this theme, this idea, has confronted me time and again in the last month. I've heard more lectures, sermons and songs, had more conversations and read more scripture about this idea of Grace in the last few weeks than ever before in my life.
So what about Grace?

I'm afraid that even after all these encounters with the idea, I'm still far from an expert. But I would like to share bits of what I've learned. Mostly, I feel compelled to share this because I've learned that Grace is so so central to everything about who we are in Christ and therefore, how we relate to others and live out our lives together.

So, From a wise man who has an incredible love for the truth of Grace as well as poor, lost college kids, Bill Tell taught me that Grace frees us from the bondage of sin, even the bondage of other's sin on us so that we can see who we are in Christ. We are so free by this grace. Free to be used by God and for his glory because we ground ourselves in the truth of Grace- that we are God's and intended for his purposes.

It reminds me of one of my first real "encounters" with God. I'm certainly not one to get hugely emotional, or swept up in my feelings. But I can so clearly remember one night two years ago, crying in bed late at night, desperately calling out to God, asking who I was, what my purpose was. It was during the year when we lost something like a dozen close family friends, and the pure injustice of it all seemed overwhelming. Suffocating even.
But there, in the between my mess of tears and sniffles, My God, the Holy one, who Created all things and then died and gave us new life in him- he spoke into the stillness of my heart. He said, simply, but fiercely, You Are Mine.

An encounter, with the one Living and True God, it still gives me shivers to think of it. But it was only by his Grace that I could come before him at all and seek his face. And it is by his grace that I can go forth and be life giving to others. To work in love to reverse the destruction of sin on their hearts and to point to the Pure, Undefiled love of their Creator.

Grace requires Humility.
Grace recognizes the reality of Sin in my life.
It is my desire to allow sin to collide with God's grace and break it's power over me.
Only then can I wholly surrender my life to God allowing the truth of His grace to overcome the lies of sin and triumph in my life.

titus 2:11-14

11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, 13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

We are transformed into men and women of Godly character because of the power of God's grace in our lives

Because of my Identity in Christ, because I Am His, my identity is sure and unshakable.
So how then do we live?
How do we, as men and women transformed by Grace, go out into the world and live according to the life we've been called to?

I'm still thinking on this one. But I'm pretty sure God has plenty of ways I can begin to live out this truth.

Let's create an environment of Grace.

2008-01-16T15:26:00.000-06:00

So it would seem that i'm not naturally blogger inclined. In fact, I had completely forgotten I had a "blog" until today, when one of my friends mentioned it. I'm afraid I am too selfish with my words and prefer to keep them to my own personal journals. But it's funny, because I just read back through the few posts I had made, and I feel incredibly encouraged, and frankly kind of amazed that I actually put those thoughts to words. So often I feel my head will explode with the jumble of thoughts, fragments of lessons i'm learning, bits of joy, humble reflections of God's goodness, and sorrow at my inability to love or understand him the way he deserves. And all that in my head rarely translates into clear, well thought-out sentences.

So although after initially being reminded of the existence of this blog, my first thought was to post something short to end it for good, I feel it is important for me to continue. At least for the sake of discipline. And I hope that these fragmented and inconsequential words might somehow encourage you, and remind you of the beauty of God.

And that is what I would like to briefly discuss today. It would take too many words and too much time to recap the last few months of my life, but rest assured that though I may have forgotten about this blog, God certainly did not forget about me and has continued to pursue my heart with such vengeance that it takes my breath away!

But back to God. This great, majestic, awe inspiring creator of all, and savior of our very small and otherwise purposeless lives. If you've ever watched the snow-covered rockies of Colorado emerge after a blizzard; or I'll concede, ever enjoyed a cold Illinois sunrise, color sprayed across the sky, you can probably relate to the swell that rises within my heart as I simply marvel at the visible beauty of our Creator. So many times, as I've been driving around town these last few weeks, I find myself tearing up, overwhelmed at the magnificent beauty of these majestic mountains. I think one could argue that they're pretty much a driving hazard, particularly as the sun sets behind pikes peak and the sky transforms into a brilliant magenta canvas. But I'm saving that argument in case I ever get another traffic violation.

I've started reading the book, Knowing God, by J.I. Packer which I highly highly recommend to those of you with hours of free time on your hands. It's pretty heavy, but incredibly thought provoking stuff. One of the things Packer brings up is the use of images in worship. At first, I must admit, I was pretty skeptical and kind of miffed that Packer was one of "those" types, those ultra conservative-quakers who worship without music and their heads stuck in the sand. Fortunately, it was me who was quite blinded by her own sin as my judgments were quickly overruled by Packer's well reasoned and wise thoughts.

His main point was that we, in our attempts to praise God by making him more tangible, and easier for us to wrap our minds around and direct our worship to, actually degrade God, by making him as created things are. And not only has this been good food for thought, but it has also given me insight into all those crazy Israelites who loved to build all sorts of craft projects to represent God.

I think the point is that God is far beyond what we can ever really understand and certainly incomparable to anything else in our experience. If that were not true, then our God would be, essentially, "mastered" by mankind.

This concept can go quite far. Packer even calls into question the christian use of the cross to represent Christ. And it partially irks me, seeming to be so legalistic. But then, I consider what it is we're representing with somebody's art we nail to the walls of our homes and churches. Is it right to represent our God, who is so great, with crafts hewn with human hands?

And it brings me back to the simple truth that our God is the essence of Beauty. And we are made in His image. The likeness of the living God. It certainly gives me new perspective on how I present myself and how I love others.

I'm still processing all of these thoughts, and I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. But I have come to the conclusion that praising God for his beauty as revealed in nature is perfectly fine, particularly since he created it!
And so, I will enjoy my last five days in Colorado, basking in the beauty and creativity of my Creator displayed in the lives of my friends and the snow covered peaks of the front range!

Isaiah 55:12
12"For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

Blessings and joy to you, dear friends.
May God's beauty refresh and amaze you this week.

my boys

2007-11-10T20:21:00.000-06:00

On a lighter note...

The patriots are on a bye this week, going into week 11, 9-0!

so. that's about it.

I love this game.

oh. and that's bruschi, doing what he does best.

he's pretty great.

Retreat!

2007-11-10T19:30:00.000-06:00

When I think of the word retreat, I imagine sweaty, dirty, tired men fleeing the enemy. I see them returning to the safety of their own camp to patch their wounds, evaluate what went wrong, create a new plan of attack and encourage one another to muster the courage to return to the front line and press on to the end. They remove themselves from the situation, knowing they don't have the strength to make the right decisions or to continue wielding a sword against the enemy.

So while the word may sound cowardly, I think there is truly a tremendous amount of courage and wisdom in knowing you're beat, and you need to reevaluate your game plan in order to valiantly pursue the prize.

This weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to flee from the stress of life and the daily spiritual battles that had begun to overcome me. I was refreshed and renewed as I spent a relaxing evening with 30 other women, laughing, embracing, fellowshipping, sharing, praising, giggling, encouraging and investing. It was great. Before this year, I never knew the fruit that can come from relationships with godly women.

The theme for the weekend was Obey your Thirst. Funny how God knows our hearts and speaks so clearly to the core of our insecurities to renew and refuel us. Like warriors, worn down from battle, we were thirsting after God together, realizing that he alone can offer us the fulfillment and refreshment we all desperately desire. The emotional battles we face all week, playing the comparison game, trying to measure up to the world, using and abusing the hearts of those we love. The spiritual battles we face, as women who desire to serve God and others but allow our sin to distort our hearts intent and convince us we're really in control. There's the physical testing of busy schedules and work and school and friends and family. And we are broken and tired and bruised, but to retreat? That may as well be giving up, admitting that we lose.

But that's where we've missed it. We aren't in this to "win" by the worlds standards. In fact, we've already "won" by God's standards as we claim him as our Savior. He alone knows every last bit of our hearts and the aches of our souls.

So how can we pursue after God with this thirst and the aches and pains of living this life? At times they immobilize us. And so, our God of all wisdom and grace and mercy says in Matthew 11:28-30

28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

He has created us with a thirst for him that we may be propelled towards him. Because let's face it, how often do we run desperate to God in the good times, clinging to his promises?

We were created to need a right relationship with the living God.

Am I obeying that thirst?

Praise

2007-10-21T02:47:00.000-05:00

I think I have finally found a church home here in Illinois, at Hope CRC. It's a good solid church, and I have really enjoyed both services I've attended. The service uses a lot of liturgy, but not as something to hide behind, but as a means of reflecting and creating an atmosphere of worship.

This morning the choir sang this song, "How can I keep from singing" by Gwyneth Walker, and the words rang so true to my heart. If you have a few minutes, I implore you to read each line and savor the words, they read as a poem, and were sung nearly as a chant. Let your heart be reminded of the living truth of God that gives purpose and passion to our praise!

My life flows on in endless song above earth's lamentation.
I hear the real though distant song that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife I hear the music ringing.
It sounds an echo in my soul, how can I keep from singing?

What through the tempest loudly roars, I hear the truth, He liveth!
What through the darkness round me close, songs in the night he giveth:
No storm an shake my inmost calm while to that rock I'm clinging;
Since I believe that love abides, how can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble when they hear the bells of freedom ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near, how can I keep from singing?
In prison cell, in dungeon dark, our thoughts to them are winging.
When friends hold courage in their heart, how can I keep from singing?

I love the call to action: "Since I believe that love abides, how can I keep from singing?"

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!"
~ Psalm 34:1-3

Ahh Fall.

2007-10-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm so often blown away by how relational our God is. Doesn't it seem strange that this perfectly holy deity, who is complete unto itself, would intentionally invest in us humans, the work of his own hands? It's not like he doesn't know us, or that we will have some great exciting news he doesn't know about. All the ways we humans use to evaluate each other seem pety, our choice of clothing, hip music style, or ability to remember the funniest lines of our favorite movies- and yet we've been crafted that way to reflect God. This God delights in us. Cherishes us. Desires for us.

I've been at school now for roughly a month and a half. And as you can see- my high hopes for blogging this experience have fallen a bit short. My apologies to all of you multitudes who will read this. Haha. Actually , it's kind of good to look back on these last six weeks. They certainly have not been the college experience I was expecting, and yet, this God- the perfect one I was talking about- he intended it for His purposes.

And we can always see glimmers of those purposes can't we? Just when we think we're completely abandoned, alone, forsaken, we see just a fleeting wisp of God's purpose for us. And it's enough to push us onward. Or to at least help us make it through the day.

Fall has finally arrived here- cold crisp mornings, crunchy leaves on sidewalks, grey skies with bits and pieces of blue peeking though. I was walking to a seminar session today when it occurred to me that my feeling of depression- whether self-induced or simply a consequence of all this change- had been lifted. This enormous burden, physically weighing me down was gone, and I could hardly remember why I was so downtrodden at all. What a great God we serve! For weeks I have been overwhelmed with a wealth of emotions: sorrow, loneliness, frustration, despair, homesickness, confusion, anger. But this God who created me to experience those emotions had a purpose in them.

And honestly, I still don't see what that is. But I do know some things. I know that I have grown in my dependance on God more in these last few weeks than in a long time. I know just how much soft serve ice cream from the caf will make me feel better, and how just a little bit more will induce the worst sugar coma of all time. I know that I've been able to look to my mom for wisdom and encouragement- something we were never able to really do when I lived at home. I know palos heights' walking streets better than a native. I know that I've been able to learn to better worship my God by spending more time with him, in his holy presence. I know a little more how little I really am and how He's getting bigger and bigger all the time.

And you know what? It really doesn't matter what I think I got out of this trial- this bit of my journey with God. Because His purpose doesn't need my approval- and it's beyond what I can probably understand. And I like it that way. I'm so thankful.

My friend Sam loves his girlfriend Jessica. He cares about her so much- it is a wonderful thing to listen to him talk about her (which he'll do without much prompting) because you can see so easily how much he delights in Jessica. You want to meet her because he speaks so highly and so wonderfully of her. I'm excited to find my own "sam" someday- but more than that- I want people to see my love for God the way I see Sam's love for Jessica. I want them to want to be itching to spend time with God because of how I speak of him- because of how much I love and yearn after my creator. God loves me. You know the song- those words we recite verbatim- John 3:16- the whole bit. But do you KNOW? Do you act on that love? Sam isn't content to just know about Jessica- he pursues her, daily, hourly, with his heart. Should we not have that same passion for the One who crafted our very lives!

Despite these dark weeks, these days of muddled emotions, I have emerged by, with, and through God's mercy and love. I have Joy, indescribable joy when I walk outside in this cold illinois fall weather, knowing that my Father, my Savior, my Creator, crafted this day for me- as an outpouring of love, and a reminder of his constant presence in my life.

I would love to hear your stories of what God is leading you through. Where is he taking you, what are you learning? How are you being loved by this God of all- this God who created you. And how are you loving Him?

Let me leave you with this- for my thoughts are still muddy, but God's words are true and clear.

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of theses is love." 1 Corin. 13:12-13

See clearly brothers and sisters, the love of our God!

by his grace,
Julianne

Beginnings

2007-09-04T17:39:00.000-05:00

I've just begin my first "full" week of classes at Trinity. It's only a four day week, so I'll save the term "full" for when I truly have something to complain about! But I think it is wise and appropriate to begin chronicling my thoughts and experiences as God guides me through the next few years of my life. I hope that what I am learning and working through might also encourage you, my friends and family in Christ. And, to be honest, I'm hoping to get some direction and wisdom myself!

I'm calling this blog Fresh Eyes. God reorients us when we begin a new life with him, but he doesn't remove us from living it. So I'm challenging myself to view each day with new eyes, to be proactive in growing in my relationships with friends and family and with my heavenly father. To refuse mediocrity in all areas and to marvel at the wonders I encounter everyday. Eyes like a child's, in awe of creation and full of life. I'm challenging you to it too. I've been told that my generation doesn't accomplish much because little is expected. Well. I'm expecting change. Seek to grow.

I'm falling in love with my art class, the ideas and practice of looking for meaning and identifying with someone else's creative outpouring feels so natural. And although I'm not particularly crafty with paint or pencil, I do enjoy photography. I absolutely love capturing emotion, raw human feelings on film (or rather, xd card). Attempting to capture the incredible beauty of God's creation is a challenge but such a joy. What a gift it is to have eyes to see God's glory manifested in his creation!

I must admit, this last week has been a roller-coaster of emotions. All the expectations, fears, assumptions, hopes, introductions and general newness has been jumbled together into this mess of overwhelming chaos and dropped into my heart. I feel as if I am in some sort of limbo, not belonging at home in colorado springs, with my familiar friends and memories, but certainly not at home in this muggy, foreign midwest culture without close friends to know or be known by.

My friend Abby, who has been more a blessing than she could know, calls this feeling "Being alone in a crowd", and that is precisely what I feel. It's a gnawing ache that brings tears to my eyes and frustration to my heart. Why would this be God's plan, why now, and for how long? And then I'm overcome with guilt for questioning God and for being so far from family at their expense only to have such a sour attitude. Logic and emotion collide and I can only run to my savior for rest. Perhaps that's the whole reason for my being here so far, so that I might understand more fully my complete dependance on God, my father, redeemer and friend.

And I wouldn't trade these last two weeks for just about anything, I have gained so much insight into who I am and how I relate to people. I know I have grown and learned things that have caused me to learn more about the nature of God and how he works in our lives.

I was reading out of the Message yesterday, in Matthew 5. I found this to be quite fitting with my current situation.
vs 3"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

6"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

7"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

8"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

So friends, this is what I know. I am blessed beyond measure with an eternal life, blessed with the ability to grow in knowledge and wisdom, blessed with the ability to grow to know God more and worship Him, blessed to enter into relationships and blessed to move through trials. How Great is our God!

May God's great blessings be so visible to you this week- he is the Author of Life and one who desperately desires us. Revel in that!

With new eyes, I look again to the cross, broken, and loved.

Julianne