fuzz.

Summary.

Conclusion.

Analysis.

Evaluation.

Synopsis.

Verdict.

I have none of these things.

I have been wanting so much to 'process' my summer. To prepare for the semester by boiling down my experiences in Maine and traveling about to some easily digested and concise points that can be applied to future endeavors.

This is a foolhardy plan because it assumes two things. First, it expects that I will encounter future circumstances that will benefit from applied knowledge rather than lived experience and conviction. Second, this attempt suggests that the story God is writing in my life has greater value as discussion questions than as a journey. But living is so much more enticing and exciting than a stuffy set of summary points - yet the summary sure seems safer. In summary I can fool myself into believing that I'm in control, that I have some kind of clarity and perspective and understanding.

Today, despite my best efforts, I have a head full of fuzz. I feel incredibly incompetent to convey my feelings and thoughts but a sense of urgency to do so. I feel conflicted about my role in community, my role in friendships, my desire for a relationship, and even how I am spending my fleeting time left on campus living college life. I feel inconsequential, immature and borderline irritating.

But if I am just a little bit observant, I realize that I am full of me. I aspire to serve others but I dwell upon my Julianne-ness. These are not congruent. They are in conflict. They are fuzz. I become overwhelmed by my circumstances and try desperately to grab onto anything firm within my reach. Sadly, God is often the last aid I reach for. I try too hard and struggle for too long towards hopes and ideals rather than truth and love.

I praise God tonight for the mess of community he's surrounded me with. For friends who do call me out on my sin, and love me deeply as they do - who do not shirk from the responsibility and difficulty of raw and real encounters with one another. I thank God for friends who accept me even in these inarticulate meltdown messes. I find the fullness of life for my story and journey through theirs.

At our leadership summit this past week the speaker introduced the idea of 'soul-prints'. Soul-prints, much like fingerprints, leave a unique mark on everything we touch but have a much more significant impact than mere trace on glass. With each conversation and interaction we have the opportunity to be the flesh and blood of Christ. Does that scare anyone else? I find it just a bit intimidating to consider the weight of my life, if a life used to love and serve outwardly rather than inwardly. And if not, then what a waste of a life created with the potential and longing to glorify this God that exists beyond time and loves beyond reason.!

It reminds me of one of my favorite Bonhoeffer quotes from his book Life Together. He writes, "God has put his Word into the mouth of men in order that it may be communicated to other men. When one person is struck by the Word, he speaks it to others. God has willed that we should seek and find His living Word in the witness of a brother, in the mouth of man. Therefore, the Christian needs another Christian who speaks God's Word to him. He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself without belying the truth. He needs his brother man as a bearer and proclaimer of the divine word of salvation. He needs his brother solely because of Jesus Christ. The Christ in his own heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of his brother; his own heart is uncertain, his brother's is sure."

I just can't get over how lovely that idea is and how blessed I am to see it play out in my own life despite all this fuzz and confusion and unscripted living. Even tonight as I worry and stress and fail to find words to give meaning to my thoughts - this remains true: I am a child of the living God and my greatest purpose and joy is to love and honor him. How perfectly mysterious that he should craft us to love and honor him by loving and serving and humbling and stumbling along with these brothers and sisters!