I have them. I wear them.
Often at the same time.
I had a draft of a blog written up tonight that explored my desire for cross-generational community. I think it's some good thoughts, but also some that aren't fully fleshed out yet, so I saved it and put on a movie.
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
I cried. Multiple times. Judge away.
I don't express my emotions well. Actually that isn't true. I do express my emotions in my passions, in conversations, in arguments, in writing. I suppose it's more methodical than spontaneous. And let's be honest, it's just not in me to emote visibly and excessively. My energies are used up elsewhere.
Still, as I sat watching this fairy tale of a film, crying over the story of loss, friendship, love, death, family and coming of age - I had to question why I found it powerful enough to draw tears.
It was real. Messy. I can see bits of myself in the stories, the characters.
Today, I feel loneliness. A longing for family. A love of public transit. A hate of public transit. Appreciation for the wisdom of my elders. Wishing my grandpa was still alive. Insecurity about how I look. About my relationships. A desire for real wisdom. Fear for the future. Simple joy while jumping in rain puddles. Missing good friends.
And so, more of my day is made up of and dictated by emotions that I expected. With a list like this, I would expect myself to be still 13 and a hormonal mess. Scarily enough, I think I appear fairly sane and reasonable most days.
I don't really know if that's a good thing. It is a good thing that I'm coming to accept and understand who I am, not as a collection of what other people think about me, but because I can see myself out of who God says I am.
And also because I've been away from everything I love all summer and I've had some time to think on it.
I can't wait to be back, back to home, to family, to school, to friends, to class, to the general messiness of life that I've had this brief hiatus from.
When I am back, when I am 'home' and struggling with what that word means; help me peel back the layers of 'safe' and 'sane' Julianne. Help me to tell the story of what God is doing in Portland, and graciously, in me. And promise you'll tell me your story. I want to hear, to dwell upon, to invest in, your emotions. Your life.
Community might be my new favorite thing.
10 days!
1 comments:
I love this post! I share your feelings on community--it's so good to be known and to be home where people know you. When you're away, you have to totally depend and trust God's knowing you, and that is so hard. Sometimes you need the comfort of community to remind you of that, too. :)
I can't wait to see you and hear more about your summer. :)
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