itchings for courage

I have missed blogging. I feel more alive when I can take and hour to journal and reflect and write and note-take and so on...and I've been so caught up in the insanity of this semester that everything has taken a backseat to homework and meetings and papers.  It would be one thing to have a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction for work well done - but this semester has unfortunately been mostly endless tasks and little gratification. Nothing is more deadening than such work - which makes me wonder about the virtue of such pursuits. Is it worth working so hard to graduate early if at the expense of relationships, experiences, and real growth? As much as I love my social work study, my SJCers, our Koinonia community, my church, running, library walks...if they all become simply doing and lose value as the things which make up my life, what have I gained in doing them?

Big life questions without easy answers. But what I am learning is this: I'm just a passionate person. And I DO come to life in the doing - purposeful doing of things that serve others. In just the past month I've had the opportunity to watch a friend get passionate about our God of justice, and see it begin to transform his heart and ministry. I got to have a really candid and humbling conversation with my roommate a few weeks ago about how my proclaimed passion and actions didn't always exactly line up. I've been blessed with so many wonderful friends who have put up with my zeal and inspired me to be more me - to understand where God is leading and to be courageous in following. I even got to spend a whole sleepless week with girls who are passionate about serving our God by loving and advocating for the vulnerable. I don't deserve such friends - relationships that model true community, rooted in love and true Christ-pursuit, but I don't know how I could know God as I am coming to, without them

As odd as it is to say I'm adjusting to this transition time of life - the hauling out for 3 months only to return and pick up old friendships and begin new ones - I think I am. The last four weeks of school were the most stressful and sleepless I've ever had - but they also were some of the best times ever. I've never been as blessed 

with crazy fun nights, quality people or simple joys as I have of late. This past week was full of enough memories to keep me going well into the summer (I hope!) and make me eager to return in august to find out what comes next! 

Still, I hope that I don't just live for the end of this summer. I'm standing on the edge of 9 weeks of uncertainty, weeks that will be defined by what are now unknown joys and struggles. I have every confidence that God will be faithful, just as always, and I'll waste too much time fighting it, as always. It will be a journey, and I would covet your prayers and encouragement as I go along.

Perhaps I may also beseech your prayers for this week...a pre-test of my character in a week of babysitting the twins. Patience is not one of my great virtues, and as much as I love love love my family, I know this week will test all of us (except, of course, mom and dad-who will be relaxing on 

some sandy beach far, far away) but I hope I can learn to love and think less of myself and more of these children who have so much life to live ahead of them! What adventure for them, and how sad to miss encouraging it due to impatience and frustration!

So for now, I'll leave you with a quote from a book called Just Courage, by Gary Haugen. I'm recommending this book to everyone I know (it truly is AMAZING) and I am feeling fairly certain that just as learning to be an imitator of God was my theme for last summer...the coming months may resonate around the theme of courage.

"Courage - the power to do the right thing even when it is scary and hard - resonates deeply with the original shape of our soul. Why this should be so, however, is not outwardly obvious. Indeed, apart from the inexplicable and indelible imprint of our Maker, it's not clear why it should matter to us that we should be brave.  Why is it so beautiful to see someone do the right thing when it is hard? Why, on the other hand, should there be such shame about our cowardice? Why should it matter so much to my inner being that I do the right thing rather than the safe thing? It's a mystery. but there it is, pointing me relentlessly to the nature and delight of the One who made me."

so the sumer begins, with the mystery of courage.