stumbling into community

I got to take a mini retreat this weekend and enjoy some lovely down time with a good friend in some of God's beautiful creation. Sadly, I didn't really realize how much I was in need of a time-out until half way through the bus ride home on Sunday night.

I'm kind of a slow learner. I'm also a pretty sinful person.

See, last week I was pretty miserable with back pain and pretty drained of energy. By the time friday rolled around I was getting ready for the trip like it was any other chore - and found myself increasingly irritated with my really great roommate for her enthusiasm and excitement about taking off for the weekend. She was playing some crazy tunes and getting amped up to see her friend and visit a new city and I was sulking. I really ran the gamut of emotions over the next 24 hours, from visibly irritated to sugary sweet to annoyed to impatient to pompous - you name it, I'm ashamed to say I've been there. But Friday morning I got on the bus, popped in my earbuds to tune out everything around me, and started listening to the book Crazy Love (it's free for download this month!). Kind of ironic, given the circumstances, but it's even better because I totally tried to pull the holier than thou attitude. Sad.

So we arrive in Boston, Mackenzie and I parted ways for the weekend (and I was actually prideful enough to thank God for some time alone with my friend. unbelievable), she to her friend's house and myself off with Lauren. I immediately started whining to Lauren about how much I need a break from my roommate, how I am so tired of being stuck in that house and sick of my work and so overwhelmed by the differences between Mackenzie and I. It continued this way most of the weekend - I was quick to pounce upon any opportunity to bemoan my circumstances to a listening ear. It's pathetic really, and I knew it was wrong and rooted in my own insecurities. In fact, it was weighing heavily on my soul as I sat reading scripture and praying beside a beautiful beach - trying to create a nice "God moment". So I asked God to forgive me and help me to work on my anger and frustration; and I thanked him for some "much needed time away".

But God won't be fooled. He gladly works his love in my heart and soul, but repentance is nothing if not followed by a changed heart and I definitely didn't want to change. I wanted to whine. I, Julianne, child of the living and most high God, saved and secured in Christ by his death and resurrection, equipped with the holy spirit and this supernatural and most radiant love - I thought I was more content to whine about my circumstances. Oh the injustice of it all!

So back to that ride home. I was listening to more of this book and was just overcome with God's graciousness towards me. I would love to quote it, but it's really hard to highlight books on tape and I think I'm just going to have to go buy this one at some point. It was something to the effect of describing everything we expect heaven to be - the peace and joy and wholeness and eternal life and beauty, and then asking if I would be content in this place if I knew Jesus were not there. I was taken aback. I've had so many conversations with Chris about how we serve a God of Justice, not of injustice. That even in the most just of circumstances I would be equally passionate about glorifying God for his justice - and yet if I was honest with myself, I would be totally content with a perfect "earth" sans Christ. It's hard to even re-type this thought process, I'm in tears even now as I have to come to terms with the sin and pride that is in this heart - how pompous to think for even a moment that I am self-sufficient!

Oh God's great mercy on me! I do not deserve it. I scarcely can turn my thoughts toward it. And so I turned off the book and began to pour my heart before this glorious God, and he answered me with a hour of beautiful sunset over streams and forests and a sky of radiant magenta and glowing orange and wispy blues. And then the words came as he told me he loved me and had a great plan for me, and reminded me of how he's been so faithful to me and will help me refine my heart. Then he reminded me, so gently and with such love and understanding, that I needed to ask for Mackenzie's forgiveness. Part of me was paralyzed, even knowing that she is so generous and forgiving, just to reveal to her my sin and immaturity.

Mackenzie showed me more Christ in two sentences that I had shown her in a week. She told me not to worry about it, but that she was thankful to me for bringing it up. She told me to let her know if I needed space. Such grace.

So I'm the community minded one. I'm the girl who loves to push people past what they're comfortable with, to challenge them beyond their comfort zones and easy friendships and press for something deeper. I'm the girl who wasted a whole lot of air this weekend whining about a really lovely girl who I am truly honored to spend this summer with.

Friends, I feel convicted to share my heart with you. Not the pretty and successful stories of christian faith, but the reality of my life in Christ. Forgive me for not being more honest about who I truly am - one dead in my sin but now radiantly alive in the living God! I do long for real and difficult and Christ-like community, and when I don't long for it, I want to want to long for it. It's a messy longing and I certainly don't have it all figured out but I do have the gospel. More than that, I have the gospel alive in me - and I know God is working with me on my sin and loves me not for my efforts but for his sacrifice. Please challenge me to examine my heart, especially when you see me blinded and suffocating in my sin. I'm not just asking. It's an expectation, and a desperate need.

I want more in friendships. If you consider me a friend, I need you to be real with me. I'm not saying this to put the blame of my sin on someone else or to shift responsibility of pursuing Christ-likeness. But I do know who I am and I am not lovely. I'm not a good person. I'm a child of Christ, my savior, who has surrounded me with such incredible friends and filled my life with many new bits of community. May we bring those seedlings to fruition by serving one another with authentic community and real love.

Will you join me?

Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, though Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever!

Jude 1:24-25

I might be blind.

Today was an intense day. It started off so unassuming. It was pouring all morning, I didn't sleep well last night and was stumbling around this morning getting ready for work, catching the bus, settling in at the office. Three of the four interviews I scheduled for today were no-shows, so there goes all of thursday and fridays work from last week. Awesome right? Mondays are the best.

By about 3 we were all ready to call it quits for the day; and then I had a little breakthrough with interviews. I set off in the never ending june showers to try and track down those no shows to reschedule and ended up at this unique little shop that specialized in all things fair trade. Of course, I've been eyeing the place since we got here because of all the info about co-ops and fair trade products, despite continuing to hear less than impressive things about the management of the place. I walk up, introduce myself, start my schpeel, and then get cut off and asked to never set foot in his establishment again. Interestingly enough, as I start to apologize the owner launches into what would be an hour long tirade about everything from minimum wage laws to unions to his experiences with fair trade farmers to the inadequacy of job training to my apparent close mindedness to his equating my affiliation with a labor movement to his potential interest in a white supremacy group - and why would I want to speak to him if he was so close minded? - to his clear business philosophy towards serving others and his disgust of money and profits. This guy was just all over the place. He wanted to talk, and so I listened.

And finally at the end of an hour, I walked away having somehow irritated him just enough to secure his possible participation in a further conversation (read: rant) about his experiences.

It wore me out, that one. I can't recall the last time someone, anyone, let alone a stranger, judged me so quickly and found me fit to attack based purely on assumptions and suppositions. It was startling and intense and overwhelming and then it was over. As I walked back to the office so drained and with a head swimming full of questions and frustrations a man named Tyrick walked up to me and asked me for help with his bus fare. He was staggering around a little bit as he explained to me his need to get to Boston to get his new state ID card and then connect with family there that he can live with. His eyes were bright as he passionately told me all about his siblings and cousins and nieces and nephews and glory days as a boxer and trying to make it on the streets so far from home. All I had to offer was a buck, but I asked him if I could pray for him and he immediately reached for my hand and said "shoot sister, do it!" So I got to petition the Lord for his safety and quick arrival in boston, for unity with his family and their ability to help him with his needs. We chatted for a few more minutes and then I was off again, head still swimming, still no answers nor any real way to express all the crazy conversation that had taken place over the past hour and a half. It's a weird feeling to experience something so confrontational and feel inept to express or process it...and then immediately experience something so fundamental and simple that it needs no words or processing.

These are relationships.

I still continue to struggle with the ethical implications of the work that workers centers are doing around policy issues - about how much the government can and should be doing to regulate worker's affairs. I still feel so strongly that communities need to own their issues and work through them on a personal level without any outside value judgements or assertions or programs or policies. Yet we live in a world that reeks of injustice and submits to the rulers of our states for some sort of solution.

And these are relationships.

Relationships I have with a homeless man on the street outside the store of a man who is convinced he's following a moral call to serve men such as these (but not this these) living in a community of workers who must rely on the goodwill of their employer to cover the gaps in legal practices while the manager is just trying to stay afloat in an economy affected by not just their competitors but national events which are guided and interpreted and sometimes exacerbated by media involvement which is, at it's core, simply communication of the events of life from one person in one experience to millions worldwide. A sort of community?

I'm not even sure. But what it boils down to is this: my only (seriously) confidence rests in hope of salvation, a hope and joy that can allow plenty of grace for a man who judges me to be the most despicable kind of wretch - because I am, and I am much worse that even that. I'm refreshed to remember that my life is not my own and yet God is leading me so faithfully exactly where he intends that I might speak truth and live love in relationships. I may never understand or wrap my head around these experiences or formulate some theologically sound response to such a barrage, and honestly, that scares me. Lots.

But it's bringing me to a place where I can need God, again, today. I forget so quickly that I need him in every breath, every thought and movement. I so easily build a life that is secure and settled to a point that I don't need such moment to moment dependancy upon my Jesus.

So the truth is, I'm needy. I'm highly incompetent and sinful and lost and confused and messy. You probably know this, but I'm just starting to understand. At the same time, I'm also loved more than I can begin to fathom or express or revel in. Love resides in me, purely and simply.

As God told Israel so many years ago, and continues to speak in whispers and shouts and songs and hurricanes upon my heart this week:

"I will lead the blind in the way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. " isaiah 42:16

I am the blind, and it's not cruelty but grace that is guiding me in an unknown path.

I don't have the answers for these large life questions, but I truly believe beyond the shadow of any of my doubts that the hope of the gospel offers life for all and will transform our world. May we be fully present in the kingdom of God now!

Be loved with such love that cannot be contained. Bask in it. Be drenched with it. May it radiate through you and into your relationships, and rejoice for the Kingdom of God is here!

family.

What does the word family bring to mind? I mean really. When you really stop to think, setting aside whatever else is on your mind or your computer screen: what is family? - what images and words and textures and feelings and smells and memories come to mind?

Most of the time, my mind immediately jumps to our kitchen at home. It's dinner time. It's loud and chaotic and kids are running in and out of the sliding glass door to the patio and tattling on one another and the neighbor kids get sent home and the radio is playing and the boys are ambling around the kitchen snacking and goofing off and getting in the way and being scolded for not setting the table and Mom has got every cabinet door open and two things going on the stove and another in the oven and the microwave is beeping and dad gets home and then everything really gets going as a call goes out for dinner and after the fourth or fifth attempt everyone manages to get in the kitchen at the same time and maybe only one or two things get knocked over in trying to seat everyone around our too small table and then finally, there's a brief pause and someone asks whose turn it is to pray. And so we do. And then we eat.

And that's family.

But family is also moving to a new city and seeing God at work in the lives of a bunch of strangers you're thrown together to live with and being so blessed to be a part of his good good work even though you feel completely uprooted and inadequate to serve them and you're craving christian fellowship and community and so you email a random church and three people email you back and two call and then a great young couple come and pick you up on fathers day with their adorable 12 week old newborn and bring you to a fantastic community that meets in a tiny elementary school lunch room way up high on a hill overlooking the bay and you meet just about everyone there in about five minutes and they all invite you over for lunch that afternoon and so after listening to a great and convicting sermon and worshiping your great God you go and drive to a farm with some Iowan transplants who happen to know what reformed theology is and love salt and vinegar chips and then you meet a mom with three little boys and a vase full of tadpole frogs on her kitchen table and you sit and you chat with some great women and they draw you in as if they've known you for years and the men grill and the women make tea and laugh together and dream a little bit about what God might be doing with their church this year and how they can serve others and you find yourself swept up in such love and hospitality and full of a thankfulness that just doesn't have words and you listen to children giggle and shriek outside and help them make hot dogs and thank God for such fellowship. And then you eat.

And so. It would seem that family might equal eating in my mind. Which is not quite what I was expecting but given the circumstances of my eating with such wonderful people, I suppose that this conclusion is satisfactory.

I'm finding family here in the loveliest of ways. God is at work in the hearts in portland and in those far far away and somehow sees fit to bless me by allowing me to take part in their joy by watching his good work.

I'm blessed. And if you might pray for me today, thank God for blessing me so richly, probably by even allowing me the honor of seeing his goodness revealed in your own heart and life - a great joy of friendship and familyship no matter how far from home I might be!

What a crazy good God loves us!

raindrops keep falling on my head...so this is portland!

It's a rainy day today in Portland.

Here at work, my desk looks out over one of the main streets through this huge bay window, providing the perfect opportunity for people watching. It seems strange to me how many people walk and bike about without raincoats or umbrellas on this chilly and wet afternoon. Their jeans are soaked through as they plod along in their LL Bean boots with green City of Portland issue recycling bags full of collected cans, or canvas shopping bags from Paul's food center or the Cigaret Shopper (proving you can be eco-conscious while destroying your own lungs...but I digress).

Is it because they don't own rain gear? Is it too cumbersome to carry an umbrella around town? Perhaps they weren't expecting the rain? Maybe. But I think most likely this rainy day is just inconsequential in the spectrum of rainy days in Portland. What is to me dreary and endless drizzle is nothing more than a simple summer shower for these seasoned Mainers (their title of choice).

And so I'm back in the position of an outsider looking in. I observe, critique, adjust, examine, discuss and dwell among people who have different quirks and patterns than I'm used to. And in the midst of it, I'm here to serve and work among the people who are native to this community. What I find odd they find natural. They've long since adapted to and created the norms and called it home.

Surprisingly, I'm finding it easier and easier to cope with, the more I throw myself among strangers. I'm gain such comfort and strength and vision in passages like 1 Peter 2:9-12. I am nothing more than a sojourner in this world, and nothing less than a child of God's glorious kingdom coming to earth!

As I've settled in here and begun to find my place in a new community, I'm continually in awe of the opportunities to boldly speak about the gospel. My roommate's supervisor is fascinated by "evangelicals" and continues to ask me questions about what drives such faith, how it plays out in concerns of justice, how to engage with this community, where I fit into it - and so I get to speak such fantastic truth over and over again! Even the things I have come to accept as norms, - like thanking God for a meal before I eat, or finding time to quiet myself and read my bible - are actions that speak loudly of God's grip on me. How blessed we are to serve a God who loves to meet us in every avenue of life!

Although I often find myself judging people who are inconsistent in their actions and words, I don't think I've ever really taken stock of how great an impact actions can have on understanding a person's character. Even among christians, I rarely encounter such acceptance and interest in study of scripture and a passionate faith - and yet here I meet that sort of response over the simplest things, from expressing interest in finding a local church to saying a prayer before a meal. We, the church, have much to learn from those outside the influence of our dogma if we are to truly be salt and light in a world longing for hope in truth.

This post is winding far from my original intent - to simply observe that I'm doing ok with the adjustment to Portland thus far, even though the culture is much different and the experience beyond what I could have planned for or expected.

I'm enjoying the slower pace of life. My work day doesn't start until 10, when Mackenzie and I arrive at the office (often before anybody else). We usually spend about an hour chatting, planning for the day, tying up loose ends from the day before. Then we start to work on projects, but workers and other staff drop by to chat about projects and experiences in the local industry. The work I'm doing this month is focused on conducting 35 employer interviews over the next few weeks to better understand their perspective on the industry's issues, particularly how they perceive worker issues and what their concerns are. It's so encouraging to see my coursework be put to practice in real life in an avenue I am actually super pumped about! Kendra...I even have hours of transcribing in my future...sans the old school recording equipment. :)

Our office houses the Southern Maine Workers Center (which birthed ROC about a year ago), the ROC-ME office and a healthcare reform campaign. But by office, I mean we all work out of one room a little larger than my dorm living room. It's cozy and sometimes a little loud, but generally pretty swell. Mackenzie and I are working on different projects, she's much more involved in getting local faith leaders to sign onto the Employee Free Choice Act, an act that will help workers to more easily organize in pursuit of living wages, fair treatment, benefits and generally more workable relationships between employee and employer without the intimidation about pursuing such rights.

I'm still at a place where I have a lot to learn and develop about my perspective towards government oriented community organizing versus locally oriented community development. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be in this position, learning so much and able to practice so much of what I'm learning.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement...please keep it coming! I'm looking forward to working with the local faith community later in the summer, which gives me a bit more time to study and ground myself in truth, but I would appreciate prayer for continued strength and endurance through new circumstances and the homesickness that will inevitably come. I'm going to try out a church this sunday, called Missio Dei (they're just everywhere!) and I'm hopeful about finding a fantastically gospel oriented community to worship with this summer.

One last thing...I started another blog to document my summer in photos for the summer. check it out!

oh! good news, the rain has stopped - and that staff guy with lots of questions, Paul...be praying for him, alright? He just came over and asked me if he could come to church with me next week. God is just so good!

Day Two

Day one was real long and real tiring and has sort of melded into day two. So here's an update:

• It's wicked hot here. Like 98 degrees with humidity that wraps up your whole body and even your eyeballs 
• The Tulane campus is absolutely gorgeous, with open courtyards everywhere and fantastic buildings with walls of windows to take in all the green! (note: I can't quite shake the colorado/chicago mindset and my first thought about our outdoor hallway dorms was how they keep the snow out in the winter...)
• Everyone stays cool with 'air' (aka AC) turned down to roughly 37 degrees 
• We spend our time in a room with this freezing air doing our training from about 9am until 9pm - learning great things like how to equally distribute oranges (read: what is power) and express the inherent dignity and worth of workers to the faith communities near our sites
  
• My crash course in southern speaking: "Honey" and "Sugar" are ways of greeting strangers you've never met and must be tacked onto the beginning and possibly the end of any question: "Shuga, what can I help you with today honey?"
• Cockroaches live in the south. Apparently it's not a sign of being somewhere dirty, just a clue that you're still in the south and you're still five feet below sea level. I'm just glad my bed is lofted.
• Internet doesn't reach into our dorms. We all reconvene about 15 minutes after out last session to sit in the dark in the courtyard with the mosquitos and roaches to feed our addictions to facebook, email, and the like

So those are some things I'm doing. Outwardly.

Inwardly, I'm a mess. And I don't have any clever jokes or comments about it, not yet at least. 

But I am being refined. I know I am, I must be. I am struggling harder than I have in a long time; and I had thought that I had a rough past 6 months. 

I've found myself in a community different from any other I've encountered before. I'm not among people of no faith - nearly all my fellow interns claim some sort of religious affiliation from Islam to Judaism to Christianity and a whole gamut of expressions in-between - but I'm also not among people who know and honor the same God that I do. I'm with this motley crew of people who've signed on to bring justice through interfaith interactions. The problem is, I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible, and more importantly, if it's a biblical or God-honoring pursuit. 

Today was particularly difficult but also frighteningly revealing. We had a few sessions about the philosophy of things like work, faith, and power. After much initial frustration, I realized that the basic terms we were all using have much different meaning in this context and conversation than in the conversations I have with friends at church and school. Our speaker today was a bit irritated with me for not agreeing that all truth is relative and constantly being transformed by experience. Well, probably not so much irritated with my disagreement but my challenging his worldview. I could go into so much detail about the nuances of our conversation and the philosophies of an understanding of truth that is not constant, but it's late and I get to wake up to more of it just a few short hours! BUT - I would love to discuss this more, so if you have any insight or thoughts or just a little compassion on my already burnt out soul, call me! I'd love to chat it up a bit.

Anyway, I am struggling with how I can express to my fellow workers how my understanding of grace and salvation permeates everything I do - especially the way I pursue justice for the oppressed - when it is to them, almost a non-issue. I read through much of romans last night (it's incredible how my apathy towards soaking up scripture is absolutely gone and I'm craving and dependent on time in the word!) and was reminded again of the beauty of this relationship we've been grafted into by the grace of God, and how such truth provides new life and purpose. God's been so gracious in giving me opportunities to express my love for him through relationship building today: in conversations with my roommates, and through the excitement of shared passions for social justice concerns, and even in silly laughter over newly formed inside jokes. I'm so thankful to be rooted in Truth, especially when I can feel the yearning for absolutes among my fellow workers and supervisors. It really is amazing to be reminded of the brilliance of light in a dark room. 

So this is my dark room. And this is day two. I still have 8 days until I'm officially on the job. 

Please pray for increased endurance and stamina to continue engaging in conversations where God's truth is challenged. My brain is tired of 12 hours of constant confrontation, and I'm trying to somehow start developing my own framework for how I'm going to continue engaging these issues and this community all summer in my work. I know the God I serve is doing greater things than I can see, and I'm clinging to his promises. It's certainly humbling to realize that the powers of spiritual warfare are so much stronger than I am alone, and that I must equip myself with truth, arm myself with scripture, and look intently and unwaveringly at the God of my salvation. 

Oh my foolish lips that said just three days ago that I was 'ready' to finally be used in doing God's work and bringing his truth and justice to his world. How much I have to learn, and how gracious God is to use me now anyway!

airports

Airports smell weird early in the morning. 

It's 4:55 am. I'm finally on my way!

On Faith, Hope, and Love

Mark Bates preached an incredible sermon today about God's faithfulness. We're studying genesis this year and have been looking at Abram's relationship with God - specifically his faith. 

• First, Abram has faith in the promises of God. He trusts God will come through on his promise of land and children that number greater than the stars - even when both seem terribly improbable
  
• Then we see faith results in virtue. We're able to endure hardship, sacrifice for others, and serve with humility - not as a means of winning God's favor but because God's promise is better than the best I can imagine!
  

One of the greatest images he gave us today was that of hands: grasping hands show a lack of faith, whereas open hands show trust and hope in God's promises. We hoard what we believe we need or think we deserve because we just can't believe God will really provide for us as he says he will - grasping hands. Or, we can choose to trust, living with hands extended towards God's faithfulness.

I'm not desperate, I'm blessed. I can live in the margins. How fantastic is that!

In our college group, we rehashed a bit of the sermon and tried to discern between these three words: faith, hope, and love. We so often interchange them, pair them together, and use them to define the others without really understanding what they mean in the christian life. 

Here's what we came up with:

• Faith - belief in the past and future spoken word of God
• Hope - oriented towards the future goodness of God, making the promises of God personal
• Love - a present tense outward expression enabled by hope in God's promises 

I can live in the difficult margins of life on this earth because of these three: I know God's words are true, I have hope in their fulfillment and see them actualized even now, and I canto pour out love with joy because I am so enabled by such goodness and godliness!

I'm so so so blessed to have such solid teaching and incredible fellowship in this community at V7. Today truly felt like a commissioning for my summer: after such an exhortation to live simply and radically in light of God's enormous faithfulness to me and the sweet offers of prayers for my internship, my obedience, and my ability to love others this summer, I know I experienced another glimmer of restored and redeemed community!

So I'm feeling ready to charge forward with this summer. I had the most wonderful conversation with my host family tonight and I can't wait to meet them in just a week! Oh! And my Maine address (for those of you who've been asking) is:  11 Merriam St Portland, ME 04103.

Let me leave you with a verse from the hymn All for Jesus - we sang it today and the simple and familiar words really challenged me to live with open hands.

Since my eyes were fixed on Jesus, I lost sight of all beside

so enchained my sprit's vision, looking at the crucified.

What sweetness to look only upon Christ, our savior, my Jesus!