hope.

I'm recovering hope.

It's passion in action

It's love on the move

and it's going to be messy.

This week and conference has been like coming home

home to a family I've never met but has always had a place for me

A family because

these are messy people

they're passionate

they've got intense personalities

they're joyfully exhausted

they're weathered and seasoned ministers

agents of love

and they love Jesus most

they aren't looking towards end goals

but living out life together

simply, humbly as sinners and forgivers

forgiven

they are liberated in their limits

they're on the move and home

embodying hospitality

and it's lovely.

abandon

This week I'm in Cincinnati for the Christian Community Development Conference with a few other social work majors. It's a whole lot to take in, but I'm feeling extremely blessed to be here. Getting to rub shoulders with men and women who have committed their lives to living out their passion for gospel oriented community development is such an encouragment! It's also a tremendous challenge, for these men and women are great warriors of faith. They are fully aware of their weaknesses and their total dependance upon the Lord to do this humanly impossible work of knitting together communities that break racial, cultural, generational, class and gender bounds. These men and women are warriors of faith, committing everything to prayer, humbly and with hope. They support one another and challenge each other out of mediocrity and into a glorious Kingdom that Christ is bringing and sustaining even now!

After some incredible worship with these thousands of brothers and sisters and listening to Jim Wallis speak last night, I began to reflect upon my conflict between desiring to serve God in such a mighty way by loving his people and my fear of unknown plans and circumstances. Fears of loneliness and doubt of success or rejection by friends and family should be easily bushed away in light of such glory, but they aren't. Even in the face of an abundance of opportunities to serve, I doubt that God can really work out all the details. Even as I listen to the testimony and witness of many who have gone before me and are right alongside me, I feel too timid to jump into life with Christ as they have. Even as I consider the ridiculous nature of such concerns, here they are, right beside me. Oh how I need you, faithful savior!

We sang Come Thou Fount last night, and this refrain continues to echo in my heart:

... Let thy goodness like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above!

So today I am struggling with the colliding realities of fear in leaping into the unknown and thankfulness for God's placing a constant aching in my heart to run with abandon into his purpose. I am learning again and again that it is not a great risk to trust in this God, but a leap into a real and unending hope!

Would you, my friends, my community, my brothers and sisters, pray for discernment with me? Both you and I have such wonderful opportunity to rejoice with God in the coming of his kingdom; may the sharing of our lives spur one another on to live out of hope rather than fear, delighting in God's will and rejoicing with all the Saints to know that his will, will be done!

Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is!

1 john 3:2

The social worker I want to be

I have a lot of peace lately. Peace and hope.

There's nothing more wonderful than stepping outside and breathing in the cold crisp air while looking up into trees that splash bright red and soft gold across a brilliant blue sky. Leaves dance down from the branches and across paths on campus, getting caught on still so green grass. Jeans and sweatshirts and socks replace summer sheer and everyone is more settled. Comfortable. At rest. There's not yet a need to rush into the waiting warmth of a building, but we no longer carry the wet air with us. So we wander, we linger. Fall is like the pause at the end of a sentence: the rush of words has passed and now we sit and enjoy their fullness. Dwelling with them. Reflecting. Enjoying.

And in this space, I am settling more into myself.

I think it's rooted in a new and renewed sense of the person I want to be. A few weeks ago I wrote a bit on the type of social worker I want to be - one that seems to contrast pretty sharply with the portrait of a typical social worker. Sometimes it's so frustrating and isolating to find your vision and ethos set so far apart from the norm and so instead of resting in the pause, I was anxious to get onto the next thought, the next rallying cry. To sit and ruminate on the differences seemed oppressive and alienating.

But then fall came - that cold bit of clarity - in this short essay.

So as rudimentary as it is...

The Social Worker I Want to Be

In the many hours of reflecting and dreaming an reading about christian community that I've logged lately, I'm learning more about who I am and coming to find who I was, perhaps, created to be. Julianne, who has spent much of her life as a daughter, sister, friend, mini-mom and student- is finally coming into a personhood defined by relationships and duties yet to be known.

In studying the theory and practice of social work over the last two years, I have found community and passion and a place to grow in my own zeal to serve others by seeking the Kingdom on earth now. These experiences have revealed a greater passion and desire to study community by growing with and in community, struggling through conflict, and working to establish right and reconciled relationships. Viewing these interactions as necessarily related and dependent upon one another has helped me to begin developing a changed attitude towards the vocation (but essentially and wholly, work) of serving others; not merely by my knowledge, skills and values, but with my life, my relational offerings, my history and my future.

I am beginning to note a disconnect with some of the profession's basic premises of boundaries, goals, investment level and attitude towards relationships with my own personal (yet developing) ethos of practice. I know I have much to learn and experience and that such experiences will lend themselves to the creation of new perspective sand attitudes.

So I struggle, now, with the idea of what sort of social worker I want to be, acknowledging that I will be a life-long learner, but also eventually settling into some routine norms of behavior and boundary. I want goals that will propel me forward towards a more whole and biblically rooted model of community development, accomplished perhaps though social work practice.

I think I am yearning to a social worker at heart, not merely at work. To find a sense of self in posturing my entire life towards others - meeting them in relationships with a humility that echoes Lila Watson's well quoted phrase "If you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together." As a daughter of the Creator and a member of his kingdom I can yearn with all creation toward our liberation. My motivation of gospel truth and life offers me purpose and direction for such pursuit - but it is one I feel most suited for service through dynamic and enduring relationships.

I do not want to be a social worker working for change that cannot be communicated or fully realized because it rejects it's inherent moralism. I aspire to be a social worker that can humbly emulate our Savior who practiced holistic community - addressing the physical and spiritual needs of his image bearers, even when and though we are utterly ignorant of our depravity.

Perhaps what I am discovering is that social work may not be my profession, but rather a lens through which I can view the world and my purpose within it. Maybe my desire for community is really a desire to engage others in relationships that bring about social change, God's Justice, through a right understanding of such purposed identity.

Then again, maybe not. Surely there is much more to be known and unlearned and re-imagined about this short bit of life in vocation. So I desire wisdom that graciously extends itself to purpose - through a calling to social work practice or elsewhere - and the peace to accept and live out of such identity.

unreasonable

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

And what is the name for one who submits to the father's will and works in the world to adapt it to the kingdom coming?

"For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building."

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose was is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and righteousness and sanctification and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

1 corinthians 3:9, 1:26-31

A name:

worker.

field.

building.

un-prestigious.

culturally incompetent.

no-name.

unpolitical.

second string.

B-team.

despised.

low.

unreasonable?

Perhaps. For what worldly reason directs us to acknowledge our sinful state, surrender our lives to an infinite being, and live through hope of a life beyond death? Seriously, Jesus missed the memo on how to start an effective movement. Where are the cool slogans, viral videos, slick websites and catch phrases? I mean, we've got this thing called christianity...but can we truly call it

Progress?

.

Forward motion?

.

Holy?

.

Romans 8 speaks of the yearning of all creation for redemption and restoration. Glory revealed and glory defined.

Mr. Shaw has it partially right, but I would challenge that we - the unreasonable - are not adapting the world to ourselves but are living beyond human reason to partake in the adaption of this world towards a kingdom vision. We have hope.

At least, we profess hope.

Are we living it?

Living beyond reason because we have true reason for living?

an opposite way

Yesterday was absolutely gorgeous. Blue skies, an almost-fall breeze and warm sun made it impossible to pass up an afternoon bike ride. I have been wanting to try a longer loop in the forest preserve near school and it seemed like a great day for it! As I wound along a path of tall and cheery black eyed susans and an array of other wildflowers, I quickly discovered that I was heading against the flow of traffic. In the span of an hour I passed maybe three or four people walking on my side of the path while an unending stream of bikers, runners, rollerblade(rs?) and walkers came past on my left. It wasn't long before I began to wonder if I was still on the loop path or if I had perhaps somehow taken a detour that would dump me in the parking lot that everyone must be coming from.

But no, I stopped to check maps at every checkpoint and counted the mile markers and eventually began to recognize people coming around from the other side of the loop that I had seen before. Still, it seemed odd to be constantly face to face with so many people, particularly as nearly all of us were participating in exercise alone. Each encounter was an opportunity for a "hello" or head nod or quick wave - and nearly everyone was receptive to, if not the initiator in, these small pleasantries.

It struck me how similar this afternoon bike ride is to my life. Heading down a 'straight and narrow' path, an opposite way, can be lonesome. Occasionally there are others who come along side, whose lives you can observe or follow behind - and their presence is so valuable - but the vast majority of our interactions with the world are with many who are living out similar lives heading in completely opposite directions. Eventually we'll all end up the same place and know Jesus is the holy son of God. Eventually we'll see the kingdom come fully into a new heaven and earth.

But right now I'm just heading an opposite way, catching glimpses of such glory in gorgeous days and bike rides and black eyed susans. I love those fleeting hellos - they offer an opportunity to communicate love and humanity so simply. If I find myself living without chances to greet and share bits of life with people heading an opposite way - perhaps it will mean that I too am flowing along with them. I pray that if I find myself in such a place, God will send others who are heading in his opposite way to remind me of my humanity and calling, to help reorient me towards not just a destination but a way of living.

At one of my map checking stop points I exchanged hellos with a group of friends who were posting fliers about their friend who has been missing since last week. I sincerely hope their friend is found soon and in good health; their care and concern to step out of the normalcy of life to seek out a lost friend reminded me so much of the community I am blessed with, one that does not count it a cost to put life on hold to support and strengthen me, reorienting me to the right path. A path of life.

I'm thankful for hope even in this life. Hope that can shine in eyes and greetings and laughter, that strengthens hearts and character and breathes life. Hope that not only gives me a destination but a more excellent opposite way of living.

practice resurrection.

As I think about the person I want to be - or rather, to come into being, I'm finding a sort of kindred spirit with the simple yet poignant observations of Wendell Berry. I recently came across this manifesto, entitled: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front.

enjoy.

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

desert roads

I've never quite understood the desire to make bold declarations of what one will 'give up' for God. I'm often skeptical of alter calls and dedications, of commitment events and rededication retreats that seem to have little impact beyond a week or two of changed perspective. Perhaps it's just my personality, but I value and aspire to enduring faith, to consistency.

Sadly, I'm discovering that the unfortunate root of this perspective is probably pride rather than righteousness. I say I want to be consistant, to live always oriented towards the gospel and away from myself; that I want less valleys and peaks and more narrow road. And then I find myself on this road in the desert. I am so quickly discouraged and feel lost and abandoned (though it causes me to wonder how I find myself lost on this 'straight and narrow'...) and begin to question where I'm coming from and where I'm going. Consistency. Right.

This quandary reminds me of my first year of cross country in high school. You have to understand that Colorado is absolutely gorgeous but it necessarily includes a high desert climate to achieve such stunning sunny days and brisk starry nights. High desert = dry dry and no air. So, it was my first race and we were up at about 10,000 feet. The course was laid out over a hiking path which went up the side of a mountain, turned around for the decent and then climbed again, turned back downhill and, after a long straightaway led to a quick sharp uphill sprint to the finish. It was an absolutely stunning view but the ridiculous elevation changes were more than my green legs (or lungs) could take. I finished my first race gasping for air and water and vowing never to put myself through the humiliation of such an event again.

Fast forward to two months later. I had spent a week training on hills in the mountains and was heading back down to Denver for a road race just before the end of the season. I was conditioned and 'seasoned' and ready. It was wicked hot out - enough so that folks in the neighborhoods we were running through grabbed hoses and sprayed runners as we trotted past their driveways. This course was flat flat flat and followed along a dried up river bed for the majority of the race. Dust was kicked up by the hundreds of girls running; dust that coated the back of my throat and seemed to fill my lungs with its rusty grit. Girls were dropping like flies in the oppressive heat and muscles were cramping with lactic acid and dehydration after just the first mile. Around the second mile mark there was a long flat stretch that ran right along the field we would finish at a mile later. Being the solid back of the packer that I was (am...), there were girls already finishing and throwing their exhausted bodies down on the grass. I looked behind me and before me at the runners who were still plowing ahead, fixated on the path in front of them. But now that I had seen others finishing just a short hop of a fence away, I felt incredibly discouraged and irritated that I should have to run a half mile in the opposite direction in order to reach that same mark. Then those awful thoughts about the futility of race running crept in. "What would it really matter if you dropped out? What is really going to happen if you just don't finish this one? It's not like there's anything actually waiting for you at the finish. I mean, come on JV squad, no one is going to celebrate your time..."

Then I got hit with an ice cold reality check. Literally. Some kid with a hose stood in his yard yelling at all of us to keep running as he blasted my whole right side with water. His grandparents were standing on the porch cheering us on. Coaches began shouting to us from the other side of the fence - from their vantage point of the finish line - to press on for the last mile. So I stopped thinking and rationalizing and questioning and I ran. I finished with my best time of the season and promptly collapsed on the side of the road. But I was satisfied. Also, a free gatorade and an approving slap on the back from my coach = success.

So these two situations make me wonder, how do I practice endurance in my life? What am I inclined towards with the attitudes and choices that I make? When I'm stuck in peaks and valleys I vow never to return to such difficulty or embarrassment or neediness; yet when I find myself in the middle of a long, flat, dry spot I all but give up. I question my identity and purpose and direction. I begin to theorize and justify and attempt to create new goals from right there in the middle of the race.

The past few months I've found myself on the dry and narrow desert road after a spring spent on numerous hills and valleys. I have been praying for God to quiet my heart, to teach me to desire his own and to reveal to me the Julianne-ness that keeps me from running towards it with abandon. I asked God today if those prayers make him laugh because it seems that without fail, I'll make it no more than a week after such a petition and begin to question why things are suddenly so hot and dusty and discouraging. I could almost hear the big hearty belly laugh (which is the only way I can imagine God laughing) in response to such a question. It's almost like asking if I breathe or exist.

The dynamics of a relationship with this Creator never cease to bewilder and establish me, for I so quickly lose sight of the goal and start to question if there ever was one in the first place. Yet all the while, God is hemming me in before and behind and Christ, my blessed and glorious savior, is right beside me.

Oh for consistency.

So I hold to the small evidences that I am growing, that sometimes

I find a way to love

to serve

to listen

and hear

I'm becoming more me, more the me I was created to be regardless of the path or peak I may be on. And when I wander, what joy to be found always in the fullness of grace

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Take my heart Lord, take and seal it

Seal it for thy courts above